Posted by daisym on July 30, 2004, at 16:04:36
In reply to Re: The Experiment Continues, posted by starlight on July 30, 2004, at 14:32:32
>>>I'm glad that approach is working for you. I'm amazed really as it seems so unusual to me. But like I said, paying for it would make it seem superficial. It's kind of like he's being a friend and supporting you, but what happens the moment you can't see him any longer? Like he gets in a car wreck (god forbid) or something. Who do you depend on then? What happens to your core?
<<<My instinct when I read your last post was to run from this discussion because you are asking all the same questions I ask ALL THE TIME!!! It is hard to give yourself over to this. I don't think the kind of therapy we are doing is unusual -- Self-psychology is based on self-objects and maintaining a strong, consistent presence that builds trust and "resets" the internal structures that were built around past experiences. It is very much relationship psychotherapy. Read Kohut or Winnicott or even Yalom.
But I also want to make it clear that I have friends and family that can support me but they aren't my therapist. They don't know very much of what I'm going through, and I'm not willing to share it with them. It is complicated by the fact that I work with most of my friends (we started a company together) and I'm the senior executive. So most of them can't handle me falling apart, or they can't/don't see it. And truthfully I don't want them to see it. I've been told my whole life that I'm smart and strong and I can handle anything. Guess what? I can't.
My therapist does provide intense support but since it is part of my therapy, I expect to pay for it. Otherwise the lines get blurred. I don't WANT him to be my friend. It doesn't seem anymore superficial than meeting in his office. He actually uses that phrase "YOUR therapy" when we talked about this, as in one size does not fit all. I get continually freaked out that I'm being a pain in the a**, you know the client that you roll your eyes when you hear their voice on the answering machine. He tries to help me see that what I need may not be what someone else would need. He is very aware of how much I've isolated myself due to my position and he is VERY aware of how stressful my life is: I run a nonprofit for disabled infants and toddlers, so I deal with business/no money issues, these kids die and I have a staff of all women who bicker; my husband has two chronic illnesses and he is basically dying, I have three boys, one who has diabetes and one who has an anxiety disorder and I'm on a million and one kid, school and political committees. Add in the intrusive memories and flashbacks of csa, well geez...OK, that just come pouring out.
See...I'm still defensive about why I'm so stress and get upset with myself that I don't handle it ALL the way I use to. Using my therapist to help me manage the stress isn't easy for me, but seems necessary at this point. He tells me I won't need him like this forever, that things are shifting and I'm getting stronger and better about accessing support irl. And that's true.
As far as something happening to him...I've thought about it. We've talked about it because illness is so much a part of what I'm dealing with. He got sick last winter and canceled for a week...I was freaked out. It took awhile for me to trust that he wasn't going to die (thus leaving me). I think we are back to talking about trust -- that they can handle all the neediness, that they aren't going to disappear and that they genuinely care about you, even if you pay them.
I see that question about caring and paying interwoven here (on the board) a lot. As I've said before -- I work with clients and I get paid to do that. But I love the babies I work with and I care about their families. When one dies, it is very sad and the whole place gets upset. When they graduate from our program, I'm so glad that they are moving on, and I miss them terribly. I think about some of my clients when I'm not with them and wonder how things are, especially if they are having a difficult week. They call to ask questions or get support or to tell me something really exciting that happened with their child. My responses don't feel artificial to me, and I don't think to them, even though this is my job and I get paid for it. Trust me, there are easier ways to make money than human services of any kind...including therapy.
I think we all struggle with wanting to handle "our" life on "our" own. But my therapist argues, very eloquently, that if we were all taught interdependent skills as kids, we wouldn't end up with so many people being stoic about asking for help (independent) or being so demanding that they drive everyone crazy (dependent).
OK, I've just laid all his arguments about why I should allow myself access to his support as much as I need to...and I sound like I wholeheartedly embrace this. I don't want to mislead you. It is STILL a struggle for me, to accept that I do need him and to not feel mortified by how much. Which is why you see my posts continually about fighting this demon. So I wrote the above as much for me as for you. I don't know if this makes it clearer or muddier.
Anyone else agree or disagree?
poster:daisym
thread:371026
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/372436.html