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Re: freaking out

Posted by gardenergirl on July 2, 2004, at 9:11:54

In reply to Re: freaking out, posted by Elle2021 on July 2, 2004, at 3:31:14

I think you describe how deep and primitive your feelings are very well. I'm sorry you and your T did not get ample opportunity to process this. I have some idea how painful and confusing and frightening these primitive dependency feelings are. I am also working through similar issues. Fortunately, I do not have to face an impending termination for about a year. Also, I think the anger you are experiencing is part of that. Infants can experience rage...think of an intense crying spell. It comes out of fear and anger at being abandoned, even if for a little while. So, while this may also be a pattern for you, I think it goes along with what you are feeling.

My T is not one to provide advice or answers in dealing with these feelings other than talking about them and working through in order to feel "at ease" with them. (I hate that phrase!) Which means, I guess, coming to accept that they are there, which maybe will decrease the intensity. I'm not sure, though.

What I do for myself (the only advice he had was that I needed to find a way to soothe myself) is yoga and meditation. Specifically, after yoga, when I finish with the relaxation pose, before I sit up, I roll over into a fetal position and hold myself. Sometimes I rock a bit. I tell myself that I am safe, secure, loved, etc. I can't say that it has a profound impact, but I think with time, it may help.

Regarding that primitive part of you feeling like your T is dead, that makes sense to me too. Infants don't have object constancy. For them, it's out of sight, out of existence. That is terrifying. It makes it extrememly difficult, if not impossible to soothe yourself with the idea that she is there, just not accessible. So I agree with Elle (and so nice to see you, Elle!) that the stuffed animal may be able to serve as a reminder, or transitional object to help you keep your T in existence. Perhaps you can hold the animal when you self-soothe?

At any rate, I know how hard this is. Especially when your rational mind knows that the reality is different from what your primitive self is feeling. I'm glad you are able to identify these parts and work with these differences.

Good luck and safe travel. Please keep posting if it helps.






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