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Re: Just hit me....** trig**

Posted by shadows721 on June 23, 2004, at 23:35:38

In reply to Re: Just hit me...., posted by fires on June 23, 2004, at 22:40:12

I feel that words can not really express what I go through with this dissociative disorder. I can not speak for others. I only speak for myself on this issue. I really never wanted to believe I had this disorder. Truly, I still don't. It's sorta a badge of shame, but it shouldn't be. Who wants to admit that they couldn't handle the abuse all by themselves? I only remembered one side of my childhood. What happened to the rest? Where did it go?

I went by different names as a kid. I do remember my mother saying, "Your friend wants to speak to your twin." Once questioned by a parent, the twin went into hiding. It was no longer safe to be found out. It meant being questioned. Just like then, I can't prove what's in my own mind. It's like tell me, "Who are you really?"

Whether DID was a dx or in a book, it doesn't matter to me now. Something was very wrong with me. PTSD doesn't fully explain the symptoms - the voices within, seeing myself across the room, etc. How about the girl that's not really there across the room making comments about me? Those things don't show. The nightmares of running from the male shadows. The male voice that called me from a dark room. Who is that? What do they want with me? The knowledge about snakes and bugs that wasn't taught in school. Just PTSD. Nope. PTSD was first dx for those soldiers from war. They knew there was a war. They knew their enemy. DID is different. A part(s) of the mind split off -the enemy and the war no one wants to see or remember. It didn't happen to you at all. You conscious mind keeps saying over and over again. But, those children's voices keep crying, "Help me!" The murderous screams in your head scare you out of your wits. You feel someones hands choking you, but no one is there. You just saw a man walk by your door again that you don't recognize.
You shake all the time, but you aren't scared. One side of your body feels a lot smaller than the other, but it isn't.

Personally, I could go on with more of my daily experiences. But, it would do no good. This is my experience and my truth whether it's in a book or not. No one can tell me what my truth is. I write my own story. I feel PTSD doesn't fully explain seeing a little girl in the dark that says, "I know your sad, so I am just going to show you the pictures of what happened." I believe that little girl and no one else. I honor her truth and that's all that matters to me. After all, isn't it what this is all about.

P.S. As far as repressing being factual or not, I would lean on believing myself. After I have revealed that I was sadistically abused by this member of my family, I have learned that he has abused many other children. For that matter, he dated a lady on drugs that ran a day care. In my case, not believing me is leaving others wide open for torture. God Bless those suffering from what he has done to them.


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poster:shadows721 thread:359573
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/359646.html