Posted by antigua on June 16, 2004, at 10:57:56
I tend to only post when I feel low, and whiney, so I thought I would try something different today in an effort to show that hope does exist, at least for me, today.
I have two T sessions a week. Yesterday in EMDR I dealt primarily with the two little girls who are inside of me--one is the weak, helpless girl who was abused; and the other is the angry girl who disassociated and left that weaker girl behind to deal with the pain. I've just discovered that I have these two girls. I know the ultimate goal is to integrate them with the adult so that I am one, complete being.
Yesterday in EMDR all I could think was that the helpless girl just didn't exist anymore, she couldn't move, and I was too late to save her. Through EMDR I realized I could make her move again, which gave me great hope. This little girl has so much to offer that I haven't tapped into since I was very young. So I'm hopeful that I can bring forth the good parts of her and keep them with me. Also, given my other posts, some may be surprised, but I've discovered that the angry girl has a whole lot to offer too. She is my strength. She would be out of control if I let her, but I've got her locked up for now (in a nice way) until I am able to direct her energy, anger, etc. appropriately. So I put the weak girl in the playroom to draw, color and build blocks and the other girl is being kept safe. This makes me feel very, very safe. They won't come out until I let them.
So in talk therapy today I'm explaining this to my T and she points out to me that I won't necessarily integrate all these "selves" into a whole, but that ultimately I will pull the best parts from both little girls and make a better adult me, one who has freed up all the energy that has been locked up keeping these two little girls under control. Somehow or other it just all made sense. And the T promised to be there with me through it, and to still respect me, no matter how I respond to the opening of the wounds.
I know this is long, but I really have hope now. Now, if I can just remember that. My mind is protecting me from the harshest things right now because I can't handle them yet. I guess what I really mean is that I believe in myself, and I don't know when I could have ever said that before.
Thanks for reading this far. I just wanted to share the hope.
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:357228
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/357228.html