Posted by Racer on March 24, 2004, at 8:52:40
In reply to Re: Self Depreciating/DINAH AND RACER » Racer, posted by Fallen4myT on March 24, 2004, at 0:12:24
OK, there is a name for what you're describing. It's called Depression. Yeah, I'm being a little flip, because I'm suffering from it in a big way this morning, but that really and truly is depression related, and it's not that uncommon. Personally, I get into that sort of thing both about my intellect and my body. Let me try to explain, see if that helps.
For my intellect, I never worry that I'm not 'smart', I just worry that I'm not smart *enough*, or that I'm missing some large chunk that would allow me to negotiate the world. I think this probably started way back in grammar school, because something happened that just feels like a model for all of it. I had trouble learning math, and got in a lot of trouble for asking questions. The teacher would say things like, "You're so smart, you should get this. If you wanted to learn it, you would, so you're just making trouble." The school administration finally said, "Well, you've got a history of major head trauma, so we think you can't learn math because of organic brain damage." Right-o, they absolved themselves of any responsibility for teaching me math. I spent years in abject shame, trying to get over my utter failure. Then, in college, I was 4.0 for math and science, because there the professors actually tried to TEACH! I've still got a bad taste in my mouth over this sort of thing, because I really believed to my core that it was MY failure. It's taken me years to see that it was having a not very good teacher, who was being protected by the administration against my benefit. I still find myself saying, "I don't understand [x], it must be brain damage..." Again, more failure on my part. Does that make sense?
My body is a harder one, because I really and truly think I'm so peculiar looking that I'm barely human. Right now, I *know* that I weigh at least 30 pounds less than my ideal, but I still *feel* huge and ugly. When I look in the mirror, I see a huge belly, fat thighs, droopy arms, double chins, etc. My mind starts into this whole thing about how I must be wrong about my ideal weight, that weight must be an illusion, it must be too heavy, since I'm so fat now. Someone said yesterday that she knew she was too thin when her thighs didn't rub together when she walked. Mine don't, which is amazing since they're so fat. See what I mean?
Anyway, those self doubting things are insidious, and really terrible to try to live through. I'm sorry you're going through them, because NO ONE deserves them. (When I'm in this sort of state, I can't believe I deserve anything, so I'm applying the same principle I use on myself on you: "If no person deserves this, and you are a person, by definition you do not deserve this." I hope that helps.)
You now have the Racer Seal of Approval. I hope it helps. Feed it herrings, and take good care of it. Maybe someday it'll make friends with the Fallen4MyT Seal of Approval.
poster:Racer
thread:327207
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040321/msgs/327683.html