Posted by DaisyM on February 25, 2004, at 20:58:11
In reply to Re: I asked for A Do-Over » Dinah, posted by Karen_kay on February 25, 2004, at 17:04:41
>>>HOWEVER, from the outside you can't tell. I keep it together and I'll NOT be labelde that way. IT's too shameful for me to think that's how others will discuss me and see me...
Oh Karen, I'm sorry I've been missing while you've been going through all this. The last two weeks...somehow I find myself wishing you could sit in my sessions, not because i want to share all the pain but because I think it would be validating to you. I agree with what you said above.
I described myself as a thermos that is broken. You can't tell on from the outside, but if you touch me, shake me up a little, you can hear all the pieces moving around. Fallsfall tells me you can't put the pieces back together if you leave them inside because you can't see them. My Therapist said that if I don't let some of this out, it will find its own way out -- through melt downs, forgetting things, stress, anxiety and eventually it might even make me sick.
It is amazingly hard to talk about. I have said a million times: I don't want this to define who I am. But it is a part of what happened and the memories are pushing up, one after another, and now that little girl has found her voice and WON'T SHUTUP! Even in dreams. The only way to quiet her is to let her talk during sessions.
I think you are brave to go to group. But I agree with you, I don't ever see myself talking about this in an environment like that. I was ranting about how the books make is sound easy, "just tell, you will feel better." I asked my Therapist about this. He tells me that we will just keep doing it in small doses, what I can tolerate and am willing to talk about. I gave him a whole conversation between the child me and the adult me about what happened. He read it, but didn't make me read it or talk about it yet. Not until I'm ready. Getting it out on paper really helped though.
On Monday, after he read the conversation, I looked at him and said, "sometimes I think this all can't be true. That somewhere it is a bad dream that i've remembered. Or maybe I just wish it wasn't true." He looked at me very sadly and said, "I believe it is true. I think you do to. I think these are real memories. I wish it wasn't true but it is. It makes me really sad but the truth is better than unknown terror." And then we sat very quietly for a long time.But I think I needed to hear that. I think you do to. Because what happened, happened. It isn't your fault but you can't make it not true. I believe you.
-D
poster:DaisyM
thread:317446
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/317716.html