Posted by gardenergirl on February 19, 2004, at 0:14:28
Ugh!
I don't know if I am PMSing (horribly irregular periods, PMS always catches me off guard) or if my session on Monday stirred things up. Here's what the deal is.
I am highly if not extremely sensitive. My T uses the metaphor of being sunburned all the time, leading to being hurt even from well-meaning "touches" or contact with others. It seems when I am feeling burned like this that I tend to perceive everything as a rejection, which hurts like heck! This morning in class we were doing group process things. Because I missed the first group meeting due to stuff out of my control, I don't feel like part of the group. My contributions were eithe ignored or challenged in a way that also felt like rejection. It's not often I feel like crying in class. One of the group members said I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Probably accurate, but invalidating as it FEELS like a mountain to me. GRRRR. Not a good way to start the day.
So here's what's gone on this week. The person at school who is in charge of internships for students cannot seem to get it through her head that I intend to do a non-accredited internship locally next year. I will be qualified for this assuming I have proposed my dissertation. Granted, I have not done this yet, but I have had FOUR conversations with her about my intentions and reasons for not going through the match process for accredited internships. In a nutshell, I know that I am too touchy or fragile at this point in my life to even consider going through sending out 20 or more applications in the hopes of getting a dozen interviews, and then trying to "match" with an internship site. That's just TOO MUCH potential for rejection. In addition, my husband is my primary, and hugely necessary support system right now. I can't bear the thought of being separated from him for a year. I think I would fall apart if I hadn't already lost it in going through the match process. So anyway, this person, despite very personal conversations I've had with her when I have disclosed my vulnerabilty and needs, keeps thinking I plan to take a year off and do the match next year. AAAARGH! I feel like everytime I have talked to her and put my heart out there to be potentially stomped on or told I am weak and needy, each time I feel that I am invisible since obviously these conversations do not register with her. She actually said the other day, "thanks for shaking up my assumptions." HELLO! I've only said the same thing FOUR times over the last four months! But don't mind me. AAARGH!
Then, she says, "I heard you did a really great job in case conference." Silly me, I corrected her and said, "you mean CCE?". No, she meant case conference when I role played a client, but used my own struggles with procrastination as the topic. The rule is, what is said in case conference stays in case conference. Obviously, the faculty has been talking about my disclosure of my struggles with procrastination. I feel like the faculty JOKE, like they have been gossiping about me.
Today I also found out that a client I have been seeing since summer SI's. I feel so sad for her and sad that it took so long for her to be ready for this to come out (today I noticed the scars as she had her sleeves rolled up and was stroking her arm--seemed like at least unconsciously she wanted me to know.) But it was really hard for me given the rest of the week. Also, I think one of my borderline clients may also be going manic. I just want some easy cases right now. I feel way too touchy to cope with complications. Can't wait for supervision tomorrow! Except I will probably cry again, dam*it!
To top if off, today I found out I have a growing problem with the graduate assistants I supervise that will turn into a really ugly confrontation no matter how I try to faciliate a respectful, honest and professional dialog. Who wants to do that? When I went into the director's office to process this, I ended up telling him how hurt I was about the case conference thing and started to cry. UGH! He handled it really well. I knew this was brewing for me, and I really tried to hold off crying until I got home tonight, but I couldn't help it. To his credit, he was very empathic and responded beautifully, which of course just released the hounds even more. UGH! I hate crying in front of others.
So, bottom line. I think either my session on Monday may have really stirred things up or I am just much more touchy than usual. I have a giant pair of sunglasses that I wear, sometimes as a joke, when I am feeling too psychologically sunburned. I think I will wear them all day tomorrow. :) Even at dinner with the board of trustees. (Tomorrow I am busy from 8:00 am to 9:00 pm and it is going to SU*K!)
Did my T stir things up by continually refocusing my rant about all this external junk to my internal response to it, which is really, really painful? Or am I just PMSing? Or just extra sunburned for some as yet unknown reason?
I hope this doesn't freak out those who have inexperienced T's. Yes, we can freak out too, for confusing or unknown reasons. But I can't wait for this weekend! Thank God for my husband, who listened to me babble on tonight trying to explain my upset.
Thank God for you babblers who also (if you read all this) listened and are trying to help me with all this upset.
Any thoughts, etc. are welcomed!
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:315465
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040218/msgs/315465.html