Posted by alexandra_k on February 6, 2004, at 6:22:54
Ok. So I have done many years (about four) of CBT and done skills and cognitive restructuring etc. I don't get to talk about what is going on for me much because typically clinicians focus on the diagnosis (BPD) and figure they know what symptoms they are targeting (by definition if you like).
But I hear voices. So I have been on a variety of antipsychotics and they are unaffected and that topic is off limits. (Beyond telling me to distract myself from them and ignore them).
But I miss time. And when I say this I am terminated for 'not taking responsibility for my actions' and so on.
And so I don't really talk about it. But I have read about it and I know what I am thinking and I am scaired. So I tell my T that I am afraid because I think that that might be wrong with me and she terminates me. My p-doc terminated me with 'voices are psychotic by defitnition, you hear voices ergo you are psychotic, here - have a shot...'.
That was the last batch. Then I fought for a year for treatment and now I have a T. And I had written a paper in that time because she is a CBT therapist and they tend to go along with Spanos' socio-cognitive model and so I am a lying manipulative bitch who needs to have her behaviour shaped by being ignored and locked in seclusion. So I wrote about this, and about the psycho-dynamic model and the inherent danger with accepting that a severe history of abuse is a necessary requisite.... because I don't know and I am scaired and I so don't want this but it is the only thing that makes sense of the voices and the time and the things they say and the things I find that I have done.... and I hate it so much.
So I talk to my new T about this because I realise that if I can't talk about this stuff then it is not going to work as this is the stuff that concerns me the most. And she says that she has not met anybody like me before. And that there is an ambiguity as to how one could or should interpret what is happening with me. But we are going to try to have a look at it together. So I am scaired, but so very grateful because nobody else has ever listened to me on this or cared. I am so very scaired.
I so don't want this to be the case. But I need an alternative way to make sense of my life.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:310084
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040206/msgs/310084.html