Posted by phunz on December 17, 2003, at 17:40:42
i have had this doctor for about a year and a half now and at first he was exactly what i wanted in a doctor... a person that would give me a script for whatever i wanted without question. he was that but not ever much more. all of our sessions have been 5-15 minutes, and usually are just changing meds. i have choose every med i have taken except resperdal and serquil(sp). hes gave me benzos without question at the dose i want. i loved this doc until i attempted suicide. i was on 60 mg of paxil and 10 mg of xanax a day. one day i guess for lack of a better excuess i couldnt take it anymore. i had just gotten my script of xanax about a week ago or less. i took around 216 mg of xanax, waited a half hour then called my dad and explained what i had done and told him my final words then called my mom and did the same. to my suprise a half hour later instead of being uncounsious and planned on being dead. i was counsious opening the door to my dad,mom, and ems. i had started abusing xanax around the time i started getting 8mg a day. i would generally take 10-20mg a day and drink a case or more of beer(id usually have xanax for 2-3 weeks then go through withdraw till i could get my next script filled). needless to say i passed out most days and would wake up laying down somewhere. well i didnt drink any that night and i guess my tolerence was HIGH to benzos, i wasnt effected at all (first time in 6 months probly i hadnt drank on xanax). i doc met me at about midnight at the hospital and said if i didnt commit myself to chestnut ridge(psych ward) he would commit me. so i commited myself. i spent 5 days in the hospital waiting for a bed at chestnut where i was givin 10mg/day of xanax then went to chestnut for 2 days and then i found out from another patient that you could sign yourself out if you signed yourself in! i was like THANK YOU GOD! my parents came in that day and asked how i was doing and i said great,im getting out of here today! well they talked to one of the doctors there and the doctor told them i would die and have a siezier(sp) if i left ha!... well so my parents commited me. anyways after i got out (i spent 13 days there) i was wanting xanax like you cant imagine. btw, they took me off of 10mg/day of xanax in 13 days, i explained what they were doing and how fast to my parents and my mom called her neighbor who is a pharmacologist and he told her he couldnt believe it so my parents wouldnt commit me for another 10 days like the doctors wanted. anyways when i got out, the next day i got a cab (got a dui and totaled my car a while back) to CVS. oh yes, i had plenty of bottles with refills from several pharms and all i had to do was pick the closest one. cvs is about 10 min from my house and i had a bottle with 3 refills of 10mg/day left on it YES! as soon as i got home i took 100 mg (just expecting to feel the "nothingness" that i needed and then pass out. well my tolerence must have really went down and i dont know exactly how many more i took after that. i woke up in my bed, morning, and went to get my bottle of xanax and couldnt find it anywhere! i was shocked! i called my dad to ask him to bring me up some ativan and he told me no. i said "what the f--- i cant find my xanax and i need some ativan". he told me that yesterday (the day after i got my script of xanax filled) i was completely f---ed up and he asked me if i wanted him to take me to my doc, and i told him yes. i guess i went to the doctor in a mess, slurring, stumbling, and he told my dad to flush the rest of my xanax. i dont even remember that day and my neighbor told me later that i came over his house at 7 in the morning f---ed up and woke them up and asked them if they wanted to take some xanax (oh god).
damn anyways to get to my point... my doc must care some because for a year now he hasnt charged me for a office visit and always gave me enough samples of the drugs (except benzos) so i wouldnt have to buy them. he also got me on disability for "sever anexity". when i first got out of the psych ward he wouldnt perscribe any benzos. then he gave me 4mg/day of klonapin(sp), i was pissed. i went to another doctor and he would only give me 3mg/day and then another doctor who would only give me 1.5 mg/day... she said that 3mg/day was high!!! i couldnt believe her words. i cussed her, told her what a inexperenced doctor she was and walked out. now im back to my old doc and got him to give me 6mg/day. and i only get this becasue my parents have had him as a doctor for many years (although my dad quit seeing him when my mom told him he was making passes at her,which i dont believe, their divorced now) and my dad comes in to (almost) every visit and has an agreement with my doctor to just give me my daily dose every day and keep the pills.
now my problem, my doctor doesnt trust me which ment alot to me. i went in about a month ago and told him i needed perscription pain killers for sever back pain and sever pain from an infected pieloniedal cyst (sp). he told me NO! he said he would give me said nsid bullshit and antibotics for my infection. well i leave his office and didnt check till i got in the car and he forgot to give me the pain pills only the antibiotics. so i ended up buying 5 40mg oxy's from a friend. my point is now he doesnt trust me (he does have plenty of reason not too).
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well my dad just stopped by and dropped off my xanax, a 40 (beer) and a hogie. i told him im not feeling suicidal anymore since i got some weed yesterday, he was very relieved, but his responce was something along the line of (i forget exact words)"thank god. i get that way too sometimes, i wake up and just feel like i cant go to work, but then i take one of my pills (ativan 1mg) and about 45 minutes later im ok". it bothers me that my dad still cant understand that when i say im suicidal that i mean i plan on killing myself, i have a plan with all the details already worked out, all i need to do, is it. it really bothers me that people dont understand the seriousness of my problems... anyways lemme read what i was even talking about...
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oh yeah... my doctor doesnt trust me... even though i was abusing xanax i cant quite explain how much i valued his trust (not just for pills either), it was almost like a kind of love, we completely believed whatever the other said.alright ive been rambling on for too long now, sorry, i just found this place about 3 days ago and have never posted to any kind of group or talked online about my problems and i guess asking strangers is much easier for me and i got alot too say (i usually dont). ok too the point. ive been on 7 ssris 2 antipsycotics, every benzo there is and the only thing that actually helps is marijuana, but at an ounce a week its too expensive for me now (although i still smoke most every day), and opiates. i know theres no hope of getting my doc (now) to perscribe opiates and i feel like im running out of options. like i said my doctor only sees me for 5-15 minutes, but thats how i like it. should i find another doctor or what. i dont know... maybe im just asking for advice on what to do next, i feel like ive done everything possible. ok im done. if your reading this line thanks for stayin with me this long =)
btw, my treatment for my suicidal behavior was 3 days of smoking weed and reading your guys's messages while awake. if i went to sleep i left my computer on so i could pick right back up when i woke up. thanks too all you out there and to you dr. bob.any comments or questions welcome. bye
poster:phunz
thread:291057
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031213/msgs/291057.html