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Re: what do you mean? karen_kay

Posted by DaisyM on November 20, 2003, at 19:57:34

In reply to Re: what do you mean? DaisyM, posted by karen_kay on November 20, 2003, at 12:30:44

>:( I CANNOT believe I am telling you this... I should print this out... Because I have decided that I don't don't deserve to be happy (I had a rough childhood, basically severely abused by both parents in different ways and decided that I must be a bad person). My best bet is to try to make everyone else happy. I want to be what everyone else wants me to be.

<<<Oh Karen, that must have been very hard to admit, say (type). Thank you for sharing it with me. I hope you've said it in therapy, giving it the weight it deserves. I so understand needing to be perfect for everyone else. But being a chameleon is exhausting, don't you think?

>It isn't always in session. My biggest problem is that I am not very good at anticipating what he'll say. So, I become resistant and just don't talk because I don't know what he wants me to say.

>>I know you know this, but you are suppose to say what YOU want to say, and then he holds it and responds (or not). It sounds like you've made huge head way though -- blurting is progress! And, I didn't mean to make assumptions about where your thoughts might be! :)

<I'm just afraid that sometimes I don't really feel anything. I've really pushed my emotions deep inside that I almost don't feel them anymore. Is that possible?

>>Totally possible. It is what I have been working on for 6 months. FallsFalls told me awhile ago that trying to capture post session emotions was a good step to finding them during sessions. Practice putting them into words. My Therapist told me I had exiled that part of myself so I had no vocabulary at first. I will say that now it is 50/50 proposition if I'm going to "feel" or not -- I'm getting better at it. I still have memories totally devoid of feelings however. It is weird. I can see what is happening and I can have feelings in the here and now -- but I can't get to what I felt then. Speaks to the horror, doesn't it?

Anyway, I appreciate how much you've been willing to share here. Feel the cyber-hug and my glowing (flat screen) admiration! :)




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