Posted by Dinah on November 14, 2003, at 10:20:02
Silly I know. These things have usually blown over for my therapist by the next session.
I don't recall much of last session. We had been talking for a while about him challenging me more in therapy as opposed to being more supportive. So last time he decided to try it out.
I fell apart completely. I don't remember much of it. Just bits and pieces. I did a pretty good job of blanking out what he was saying, but overdid it and blanked out my entire mind. The rest of the session was I just recall a monstrous sense of frustration because he wanted things from me, and I couldn't find my words to give him what he wanted. I kept trying and trying to find words and couldn't.
One thing I do remember vividly is that he told me in a rather ominous tone that we would have to talk more about him being able to challenge me. But I also remember him being at least ten feet tall when he told me that, so there may have been some cognitive distortion involved. Or maybe he had stood up and I was still sitting? I can't remember.
So I figure we'd better talk about that today. My plan is to tell him to go ahead and challenge me when necessary, but to expect that I might fall apart. It's not like I say to myself "I think I'll lose my wits and irritate my therapist". It's involuntary. But I don't see why that means he shouldn't do it. Just that he should be prepared for the outcome.
I also remember the very end of the session when he was preparing my receipt. When I asked him if everything would be ok, which he normally answers reassuringly, he said that everything was ok with him but that I would have to take responsibility for everything being ok on my end. And he wouldn't budge. And I broke into great heaving sobs which startled him because I guess he doesn't understand how important his standard reassurance is to me.
I remembered after leaving that he also didn't give his standard reminder to call him if I needed to. But I did anyway, and he wasn't mad or anything.
I think today will be ok, but I'm afraid it won't be. He's going out of town again next week. What if it isn't ok at teh end of session today?
poster:Dinah
thread:279699
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031114/msgs/279699.html