Posted by Tabitha on September 13, 2003, at 19:27:59
I swear, every time I experience some personal growth, it's quickly followed by an attack of miserableness.
For instance, I got interested in exploring spirituality, and thought I figured out exactly what that means to me, and what beliefs I want to encourage, and I felt super-happy for a day or so... then apparently, completely lost interest, life seems dead, meaningless. I have to force myself to go to the church that made me feel so good last time I went.
Another thing.. I'm trying to purge my possessions, and come to terms with the lifetime of shopping habits, and figure out how I want to relate to 'stuff' and consumer culture in the future, and I made some progress, realizing I don't need to buy so much stuff anymore, I don't need to save stuff, I don't need to shop so much, there are more satisfying ways to spend time. I'm doing major purge of possessions. Like a change of heart. This is growth, like end of an era.. marked by ceremony (my first garage sale) but I feel awful and dead and depressed about it.
I'm confused.. is growth just painful, or am I sabotaging myself with an attack of misery after every step. I think my therapist pointed out this as a possible pattern for me.
Should I call her? Convert all the garage sale profit into phone session minutes.. tick tick tick..
I called my friend, but I can't talk much about stuff. I emailed another friend, I feel like I'm telling him too much. I'm alone with all this stuff, and I hate to keep calling the therapist every time I'm upset.
I feel like just buying some alcohol-- but I really try not to blot my feelings that way.
It's so confusing.. but what's the problem? Really? Just confusion? I don't understand why it doesn't feel better to work thru these things.
So I'll do a google search on 'growth painful'.. and worry more about my carpal tunnel from too much websurfing lately. Ugh.
poster:Tabitha
thread:259753
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/259753.html