Posted by Mr.Scott on August 26, 2002, at 23:52:54
In reply to Re: I'd really like to stop... » Mr.Scott, posted by wendy b. on August 26, 2002, at 1:03:48
Hi Wendy,
I went through detox and 90 inpatient followed by qnother 90 day outpatient 6 years ago. I had a great deal of twelve step exposure, but never "worked a program." Instead I ditched my druggie friends and fell in love. We broke up after 5 years and I started going out a lot and partying again. Kind of weird... I really don't abuse alcohol as a primary drug...Instead I have a few and get cravings for cocaine. If I don't drink I don't crave cocaine that bad and can abstain. Drinking I guess is the gateway then? But I'm by no means a sloppy drunk or a big even a huge drinker anymore. I just go out...feel socially inept...have some drinks and then feel a compulsion to use cocaine. And once I start a 4 day binge can ensue if nothing else has to be done. Always followed by guilt and the notion that I'll never do it again. I have a mild bipolar, ADHD, GAD thing going on that no one can accurately or correctly diagnose and treat. I take low dose benzos anticonvulsants (Neurontin) a touch of Effexor (37.5 mg) and a touch of Lithium 225mg every other day or so. Plus fish oil. I am probably on the bipolar spectrum, but I feel that my loneliness and sense of lost direction in life are at least as important as any biochemical stuff. No alcoholics in family, lots of suicides and a few gamblers. Also a lot of "shitty temperaments". I want to ditch my asshole friends, but then I get lonely. But the cocaine is horrible stuff. It makes me so paranoid and anxious i want to jump out of my window. I hate it and really desire to stop it.
I just want to be socially comfortable and talkative. I had this effect on the coke & alcohol at one time, but the positive wore off, the compulsion set in, and now all I do is blow tons of cash on a waste.Scott
poster:Mr.Scott
thread:977
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20020702/msgs/982.html