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Re: Hi Alex

Posted by alexandra_k on May 4, 2019, at 21:55:07

In reply to Re: Hi Alex, posted by alexandra_k on May 4, 2019, at 21:35:53

and i don't know why they didn't think that working with me to get this done in time wouldn't be a better investment of their resources than intentionally working against me.

i don't know why they didn't think that they could help me out with scholarships so i could visit and give talks... i don't know why they didn't think that helping me through and into medicine...

might make it more likely that down the track...

i would want to help medicine develop for that university and for that region.

whereas instead they seem determined to show me that they are rather more interested in delaying me and holding me up and slowing me down. they are more interested in going 'nonno no no no no no' and 'you can't' and 'we won't let you' and throwing meeting after meeting after meeting to consider me for scholarships i didn't apply for, to deny me from having scholarships i did apply for, to try and find a way to refuse to accept a thesis i submitted, to try and find a way to prevent me re-enrolling in the program so as to fail me out...

really very determined hearts set against me from finishing at all...

so i turn up so they see i don't have 3 heads.

because i realise my supervisor has been telling them i'm arrogant and i'm an idiot and i'm inept and i have no social skills and i am not personable and all the f*ck*ng things she possibly can. every stereotype as to why we don't want surgeons or doctors or people with autism or people with disabilty or me.. all the things she can muster... talking to me like i'm a naughty toddler and so on. i mean really very genuinely i am not making up stories...

i don't understand why they don't get that if you want people to want to stay then you have to treat them better.

i guess probably because they don't want to stay themselves. they want to get out... but they can't figure a way... so they do what they can to cling to others who appear to be leaving...

i guess that's it.

i do hate this country.

i did say i wanted to come back here and help it develop.

i did not know that would involve people treating me like i was an incompetent illiterate idiot over the next 9 nears. having to beg for food... for shelter...

i did not know that the people in charge here cannot identify literacy when they see it. could not distinguish who is capable of looking after themsleves from who is not. i did not know that things were that f*ck*d up, here. where people would be more interested in having the world believe i was retarded in various ways so they could use that to collect up more funds for themselves...

i think the competition / hierarchy comes from people not having genuine needs met. it is easier to be egalitarian and accepting of difference and different interests and the like when you have yoru basic needs (including psychological) met. we just aren't there yet. people are not accepting of allowing others a way of life if it seems to them that that involves their giving up what they need to persist. and that is where we are. people will cling to me if they believe they need me in order for them to survive. at the most basic level my mother had me to try and keep my father to stay and support her and me. my mother kept me to try and get welfare such that she had a way of life. she genuinely thought that if i left (e.g., to go into a group home) she wouldn't have enough. once a social worker did a budget with her and told her she could have y benefit and afford to live without me in the house she didn't mind giving me up.

my supervisor got promoted to being a representative on the scholarships committee... i think that was after she put forward a case for me getting a scholarship i never applied for and not getting a scholarship i both applied for and was eligable for. i think maybe the scholarship they thought they were going to have to give to me to get me to enrol with the university they gave to her in teh form of a promotion instead.

because that's the way hierarchical people think and that's the kind of thing they congraduate themselves for.

all i wanted from it was to complete the degree in a timely fashion.

but that was the point they decided to take me for a chump / take me for everything they could get.

what kind of idiot enrols in a graduate research degree without the university having funded it??

then they thought they could treat me however crap they want and i'd just comply otherwise i would never get to do medicine at all.

i hope they get the doctors they deserve. the doctors who (when they see them) comply with what the district health board wants the doctors to do in the name of diverting medical funds / budget back to further the interests of mangers.

that wasn't very nice of me.

that's why you don't treat your 'friends'.

humanity in the ideal / abstract is so very much nicer than the reality.

in order to truly focus on the patient... to truly focus on helping the patient... i imagine it would be better to be far removed from the reality of the patient before you. how sh*t they treat their kids and how they kick their dog (if they think they can get away with it).

that's why you don't really want doctors in your communities.

most of you.

not if you actually want them to help you and to act in your interests.

beam me up.

they haven't managed to ruin me so far...

but it's not fair i'm still there.

time to let me go.




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