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Introduction - Hello!

Posted by Wasp on February 4, 2014, at 23:48:03

I've been to this site a couple of times from searching Google and I've felt there were knowledgable people here from reading the discussions, so now that I have further questions, I thought I'd register. Since I might choose to hang around, I thought I'd introduce myself.

I first remember being thoroughly depressed in Kindergarten. I sat with the teachers at recess and when they made me go play, I would walk around kicking dirt. I never played outside. Also during this time I began having insomnia which I tried explaining to my mother but she thought I was just thinking I was awake all night and didn't know since I was a kid. I had been having nightmares since I was a baby I was told. My mother watched Dark Shadows and I constantly had nightmares about things like vampires coming out of ABC blocks and stuff and the dream would continue on awakening like a hallucination.

Skip ahead to fifth grade and I started having really bad anxiety about going to school and having awful stomach aches every morning before school and when my mom would let me stay home she would get mad at me when I was better around 10am.

Off to high school, by now I had learned the trick of turning off my dreaded alarm in my sleep and always ended up being late. I learned I could skip school so I didn't have to be around people. I would skip if my small group of friends were skipping or just skip alone and go to the laundry mat all day in the winter, or under some apartment steps where there were no people in nicer weather. I skipped 82 days in tenth grade alone and kept up passing grades.

Skip ahead to married with 4 kids, I was now a born again Christian experiencing my first melancholic depressions, feeling like a total failure because I was not joyful 24/7. I began having the constant pain and exhaustion of Fibromyalgia and wasn't able to take care of my kids which further fueled the melancholic depressions. When I wasn't melancholic I was atypical all this time thinking that was normal. It was normal to me anyway. I was hospitalized every November for serious depression. I couldn't work a job because of my anxiety and depressions.

I was prescribed Prozac which made me invinceable and outgoing! I lost some of the always feeling rejected, and made headway seeing a clear cycle in my November depressions as being part of yearly cycle of 4 cycles of ups and downs, but didn't know what that meant.

My cycling got closer and closer together and I worked for 9 months all of the time suicidal because of being around people and the constant anxiety. I became addicted to Valium. I had to quit finally because my depression was very, very bad. My cycles got to be one week up, one week down. I finally did the big crash and gave up and went into the hospital where they took me off of 10mg Valium every 4 hours cold turkey.

I went totally nuts. I tried to bust a tv with a step ladder because it was making sound and stuff like that. I was diagnosed Bipolar 1. They couldn't find a medication that worked but sent me home every two weeks because the insurance wouldn't let them keep me in the hospital. I went back every time after a week or two for a total 72 days in hospital between June and October.

I tried like every med known to man, but I was back in the hospital about 4-5 times a year for 4 years very suicidal. I quit college in my senior year for the second time and od'd and was in a coma for two days. When I woke up I was scared sane on the same meds as before but barely holding on.

I became hypervigilant to survive. I had to quit making pottery which I had learned in college, because of the Fibromyalgia. I totally quit being an artist for the first time in my life because I was so discouraged. I was bedridden for a year and could barely walk before they diagnosed the Fibro.

I moved about 100 miles and got a new doctor who I am with still. I also have ADHD, Panic Disorder and am Socially phobic. I get manic-like symptoms from even a little caffiene or cold medicine. One year ago I became depressed again basically because I had no purpose in life and decided I would do anything I could to be an artist again. The crazy med changes made me suicidal. I am very reactive to drugs with crazy side effects, or I have to take high doses to make them work. I once was on 1,000mg of Seroquel to get to sleep for instance an untested on humans amount. I am on Temazepam now which often doesn't work.

I was put on the Emsam Patch by my doctor which ended the depression (plus my son and his family moved out). I came here with questions about that.

I hope I have the time to hang out here sometimes. I am on an artist forum that has been taking up my time, and I have been telling them about myself and they seem sick of me already because I don't create everyday so I am not a real artist to some of them. I was really phobic of working when I started there and they have helped me incredibly, they will never know how much. I have made good friends there, but I am unbalanced in being there all of the time, and they are sick of my problems without seeing any art coming from me. But I will be learning a new type of pottery to work in for a while, so they won't see any art coming from me for a while. My new friends understand this and are patient people. Good to be around, and very encouraging. That is my life and what's going on with me.

Sorry I wrote a novel there, but I had a few things I needed to say.

Love to all.




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