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Posted by snapper on May 24, 2004, at 0:36:48

In reply to Emptiness of spirit, posted by rayww on May 11, 2004, at 15:13:09

I will say that I am aprofessed Christian(born again) but I have to be honest with you all. I have been living this nightmare exestance of DEPRESSION for so long that I don't see how it is even possible to 'feel God or his warmth or light as some of you refer to. Real Mental Illness is mind numbing, stupifying and it makes me feel sooo far away from God that I could sometimes puke! I guesss I am a little bit like shadows when she said in a thread further up......I hear Christian music and sometimes I like it and it is comforting in its' words and melodies and other times I think what a crock of S*IT. I have been prayed for, prayed with, prayed about, tried to attend church (which is by the way very casual and open, not tied to legalistic BS and condesending overtones) My depression persists, and either I am a VERY HARD nut to crack or I am in swerious denial. I wish I could feel Gods' presence and warmth. So fwiw religion, spirituality, worship, praise etc ...It is not like I have to pray hard or right or long enough to be delivered from this mental anguish, my Mother and Father and Sister are Christains and they all say God is waiting for you....I live with them ..which I am grateful for , because my depression and anxiety don't allow me to be gainfully employed. However , I do know this...I have a lot of hurt , anger and Grief built up in my brain, that needs to be released but reading the Bible, being around people that care for me and pray for me is just something that is harder to engage in than its' worth. Sometimes I feel like tempting God to just strike me dead, get it over with, put me out of my F******G misery. Then at the same time I think ..No God has a plan and a purpose for me.....yada yada yada,, 24/7 and 365 day a year misery. Sorry if I sound ultra negative and pissed off, but I just DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FIND STRENGTH in Religion, God, and or spirituality, when I feel so dead and apathetic-my depression is a full body experience - it jacks up every function in my body.. I know a lot of you find strength in Religion or whatever during depression but I don't and am very envious!
sorry for the rant but I just needed to get it out-I seriously think that GOD is out there in the cosmos' looking down on us Laughing and crying all at the same time-mean while those of us that have to endure severe mood disturbances are left to asking, questioning, wondering, why , why this MENTAL ANGUISH - Job in the Bible at least - recovered..or at least that is what it says...thanks for letting me rant- I am just sick of the pain and feeling suicidal, it is a pain in the ass just to exist every day. What is the point?




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