Posted by Temmie on August 10, 2003, at 15:33:23
Today I feel gripped in terrible despair. I am still having nightmares about my linguistics exam; compounded now, by nightmares of returning to teaching. I have an interview for a job in a different school tomorrow, but the move is a lateral one, and requires careful addressing, not to mention careful analysis of what I might be leaving or getting myself into. Paul continues to call and tell me how much he loves me, and I hunger for the rest and security I feel in his arms, while simultaneously fearing for my life in realizations that moments "in his arms" include moments of his driving, with a beer in one hand, and God-knows-what in the other. Last night he talked of joining me in California to combine my duties seeing Jared off to school with a little vacation time. My mind is dizzy with the juxtaposition of two such events. Nights of passion, and the passion of saying farewell to my only child. I am also reeling in terrible despair about my financial situation, with family members having been treated inequitably in the recent distribution of funds (which benefited me and others, but not all). Despite the generosity of the gift, which I'm morally obligated to pass on to my son, I am in terrible debt with insufficient earnings ahead -- which requires taking out more loans .... And the matter of taking out new loans to pay-off old loans (coupled with the nightmares of scholastic failure and teaching inadequacies) ... has kept me in bed all day while reading, "The Jesus I Never Knew," and praying for His comfort and company.
I am afraid to go to a meeting tonight, because last Sunday the man I sat next to kind of came onto me. I am lonely and, in recent days, have been perusing the personals, just out of curiosity -- but I've seen noone who interests me (and quite a few who have shocked and appalled or and repulsed me). Clearly I am not ready for romance. I can't even get out of bed today, and back to bed is where I am headed.
poster:Temmie
thread:249835
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20030530/msgs/249835.html