Posted by Dena on February 22, 2003, at 19:14:15
In reply to Dena, posted by Miller on February 15, 2003, at 22:53:21
> I am struggling with Faith due to my low self esteem and uncontrolable negativity. It is almost breaking my heart that I can't get my life together to be the person I want to be. I want to be able to give. I want to have a strong and healthy Faith in God and Jesus.
> Unfortunately, I am also having a problem with stabilizing my emotions and depression.
> I am glad to hear that there may be hope for me. You seem to be in a place I am striving to get to. Was there a turning point to get there, or was is a slow and deliberate struggle?
> Thank you for posting. I look forward to your reply.
Hello Miller. Hopefully by now you'll have read why I didn't respond before. Hopefully you've also forgiven me.
I do understand about low self-esteem & negativity. They've plagued me for as long as I've had awareness. I seem to have come by my "demons" through inheritance - I can trace depression & negativity back down through the generations of my family tree. I've come to understand it as a kind of curse. And, curses can be overcome with blessings (literally).
It helps me to know that many of the Biblical "heros" of the faith were also plagued by depression. Half of the psalms were written by King David, a man who had plenty to be depressed about. His depression drove him right into the arms of God, where he dumped his heart out, sparing no details. It seems that God took his pain & sorrow & gave him comfort, because the psalms always end with David praising God & having his hope renewed. When I've taken this as my model, when I manage to take my pain to God (rather than drawing up in a ball & indulging in self-pity, which is my temptation), I also end up with comfort & hope.
But self-pity is so seductive! It's like twisted pride. "If I can't be the best - like I secretly thought I was - then I'm going to be the worst! I'm so bad that even God can't help me! I'm worse off than anyone I know... why should I care about anyone else, when I'm worse than they are?" & then I cut myself off from fellowship with God, because I'm indulging in twisted pride, & I'm declaring one of his masterpieces (me!) to be deplorable.
My heart's cry lately is this: "God, I want to know You as You are, in Truth. Jesus, enable me to love first You, others & myself with Your love. Have your way with me."
Here's a book that's speaking to me: "The Way of a Pilgrim". It teaches about the Jesus Prayer, which is a way to pray without ceasing.