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Re: dr-bob

Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2017, at 13:14:23

In reply to Re: dr-bob, posted by alexandra_k on December 23, 2017, at 18:03:38

Or not... Someone said to me that 'no answer isn't really an answer' or 'isn't an answer you can do anything with' or somesuch. Because my application was declined automatically since I didn't meet criteria so it's been saying 'application unsuccessful' all year - I'm relying on them using their discretionary power to consider me / offer me a place and alter that status. I suppose I was thinking I'd hear alongside the other candidates who were decided as part of the second meeting... But... No answer isn't really an answer I can do anything with. That's right. It's not an answer I can use to help me see whether I'm signing a lease on a house or whether I'm leaving.

Remember when I thought I needed to graduate from psychiatry - to finish a course of therapy or something before being proclaimed psychologically healthy or whatever? I thought... I might get that done overseas (since there wasn't any treatment here) and then be in the position to come back...

I keep thinking: Who should bear the cost of my learning? ACC says you should learn to drive in the safest car you can afford. They then define safety as how well you do (compared to the other guy) in the case of a head-on collision.

I've born the cost of other people's training. The psychiatrists who didn't speak English. The training psychiatrists, in their herds, where the psychiatrist was more interested in entertaining / interacting with them than in being at all respectful to the patient. I've had short term psychotherapy with a number of training psychiatrists (as their first ever patient). I've got plates and screws and all this hardware designed to go in with no care for how it's going to come out implanted in me (without my consent) where anatomical structure was not restored and where joints that were intended to fuse failed to fuse. But a team of training people got to practice their stuff on me. I've born the cost of their training. Did I do better than I would have if they had treated me conservatively? Did I do better with the training psychiatrists and ESL foreigners than I would have if there had have been no hospital or medicine - at all? That is unclear to me. Would my feet be better today if they had have been treated conservatively with no operations or with no implanted hardware? That is unclear to me.

But I bore the cost of their learning...

And I'm not even complaining (so much as realising that that was what was in fact going on).

And I'm not traumatised in the 'I want to do to others what they did to me' way... I don't want to hurt others, I do want to help them... But the reality of the situation is that... Someone must bear the cost of your learning.

When you need to learn / practice your sutures are you going to learn to get good at that stitching up people who have accidents through no fault of their own... Or are you going to learn to get good at that stitching up people who present after (predictably) drinking too much and asking for trouble and (predictably) getting themselves beaten up? When you let your training people practice their hardware insertion are you going to let them practice on the person who got mowed off their bicycle from some drunk guy in an SUV or the person who tried to kill herself?

'The other'. So you live with yourself through your training because... Who will bear the cost of your learning?

The not recognisably human. I wonder if that's why they open entry so much. If that's why they seem to do everything they can to wind up the people to lounder and lounder and drunker and drunker and so on... To have these people kicking at the back of your chair and saying they want to do x but not being prepared to work for it...

Some groups disproportionately bear the cost of learning. That's how come equity places... Bear the cost of learning but no representative members to come out competent on the other side to actually ever get any competent medical / surgical treatment from within that group...

The people with disabilities... The deaf people who don't get organ transplants because their DALYS (disability adjusted life years) are less... Because their life is thought to be of less value than the life of a person comperable in every respect except with respect to their disability / deafness *by definition*...

You could spend your life arguing with idiots if it makes you happy...

Here's another way: How about having the cognitive capacity to face up to the cost of your training? The cost of your training is what gives you a duty to help people (especially those who disproportionately bore that) during later years.

That's a no brainer...

I keep running through reasons why they don't like me. Assuming they don't... Reasons why all my life I was passed over for opportunities...

Mostly... It was about people wanting to protect their own kids. They wanted their kids to get things / have opportunities etc. Their kids and the kids who their kids relied on. So... Their kids and the kids who do their kids work. Or the kids who otherwise look after their kids. Or, at least, kids who make their kids look (if not be) better... And because I'm female... Well... My role is to be a support for another. Only nobody has every accused me of being overly supportive... I'm not particularly feminine in traits like nurturing or supportiveness (I know). Only other people seem inclined to think that because I'm female this must be my value and if I'm not good at that I'm of little value...

Mostly... I just don't get to see the relevant kids. I get placed in this particular residential hall (clearly, I'll look after the kids whose parents paid for them to come here and study at university level a foundation course because they haven't achieved entry to study at university). They did think I could be a High School Teacher (which was saying I could be one of them) - but I most certainly didn't get to do science (like their kids) or Maths (like their kids) or have a shot at Med... That was for their kids... For their kids to be friends with kids who were doctors kids... To maybe get to stay with them...

To get to live in the same halls... To go to the same tutorial groups... To sign up for leases on houses together... To get scaffolded in that way...

I was supposed to have a kid, you see. This is for... The next generation.

Only: I'm not dead yet. That's the just the latest in a line of excuses.

I simply don't understand why we won't learn to look after the things we've got.

I know if I get to do this I will have to stop posting here. I thought... That would be my graduation, really. My graduation into not having a mind that is 'other'... Worse. Inferior. Wrong. I know it... I don't know that other people have cottoned on, yet...

Dr Bob... I really (really really) do want to live.

Will the people let me?

I... Don't really know what is going on... This really is critical, though. I mean... It's basically: Will the people listen to me with respect to what I say about what it is that I want / need. Will they give me this (I've worked hard for it over a number of years and lived in awful conditions etc etc etc because I was determined to make this work). And now it's up to them. If they won't let me I have no choice but to leave.

The Dean was right:

People don't want to live, like that.

At least... Not this person... Not like this...

Goodbye Dr Bob... Goodbye Babble.

I hope things go well for me... I've done everything in my power...

I hope.


First world / developed nation people aren't just replacable parts. The investment that goes into them... When will we learn to look after what we've got? This compulsion to throw things away and start over and over and over and over and over and over again... Nasty, bruitish, and short. When will we... Grow up? Doing everything I can...

Why are people so very determined everything must take so very many generations?

I don't want to live, like that.




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