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Re: Yay! pendulum mind...question ╗ SLS

Posted by b2chica on May 11, 2018, at 11:18:02

In reply to Yay!, posted by SLS on May 10, 2018, at 13:51:30

So the only thing that i do slightly ruminate about, goes back and forth like a pendulum. i am able in current state to jump off now and again, but i cant help wondering. maybe you can answer a question?

bottom line, are there chances that this is totally a placebo reaction?
do i even try going up for any reason? SHould i try getting off for any reason?

down below are examples of what is becoming cyclical in my brain regarding these issues. if you have time... id love some advice.
thanks Scott!

Cycle 1:
what do you think are the chances that this is a placebo reaction? I know this is such a low dose, (usually only to titrate up, AND many of the stressors/triggers that were contributing are either gone or have greatly lessened. )

This time i know i was dealing with both psychological stressors turning to biological -being triggered by the former. (major stressors, major events, time restrictions, lack of family/friend support, and major marital issues).
the physical affects: that muddy brain feeling - visual and brain fog/sludge, crying first thing in the mornings, apathy, anhedonia, lethargy, oversleeping, not sleeping well, no appetite and ever increasing biological anxiety (affect was physical which eventually went up to my head).

Cycle 2:
To be honest right Doesnt matter... i'll take what i can get, especially if its like this.
But there is that little nagging thing in the back of my head saying, its really only placebo, and eventually if something triggers again, i will spin into where i was before.

Cycle 3:
i dont want to be on any extra meds if i dont need to. BUT
why not add just one extra pill if it can do THIS much relief??

Cycle 4:
I guess what it comes down to is that i am worried about 2 things. IF it is a placebo effect than it can strike out of nowhere again. and i wont be prepared because i think i have some coverage.

And secondly...i'm afraid. Scott this (possibly mixed episode) had me so destraught, so aggitated and angry at myself, almost uncontrollable impulsivity, that when i wanted to die... it was a different feeling than i've had before. i was very impulsive and could NOT for all i tried to pull myself OUT of my head. i could NOT see reality to rationalize why i would not want to die. I could only see pain, feel pain and predict more pain.
To be honest with you folks here... i really should have been in the hospital. and it scares me that both my T and pdoc (who are really great at what they do, and know me quite well) did not see this, or maybe were not seeing it in the same way i was.
*and if i don't have them as a defensive line between me and the hospital. well, it scares me.

HOWEVER, i am not going to discuss my suicidal desire with either because i'm starting to get a little worried. paranoid, but not clinically. because i have had tendencies to get suicidal ideation when my depression gets severe, i feel that i'm to the point of age in my life where i just shouldnt be going there anymore. and i dont want to end up with another doctor that thinks i should be 'committed'.

> Yay!
> :-)
> - Scott
> > Hey Scott,
> > I am doing well. Very well. The Sfx only lasted a couple days, though i still am a little sensitive to the orthostatic reactions (standing up to fast) and have to be a little careful there.
> >
> > i am only on 50mg of this med (see pdoc in two weeks), it has impacted me in a few way that no other med has in a long long time. If i remember right, it is fairly similar to how i reacted to wellbutrin (though maybe not the energy increase) But it fairly quickly rid me of thoughts of suicide. I am enjoying things, able to relax. The largest difference that i noticed (and quickly) was the extreme decrease in anxiety (on a scale of 0-10, 10 the highest) it was at about an 11 and now down to about a 1-2.
> > It had become severe that i had increased meds to about 3x what i was normally taking, almost daily for the last month. And now, barely any.
> >
> > I actually feel..."normal". Noticing mostly that i'm not worrying/thinking about my emotional state 'constantly'.
> >
> > Thank you for Asking and i can't thank you enough for the quick responses!
> >
> > B2Chica
> >
> >

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
Ana´s Nin




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