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I don't think I have any options left

Posted by g_g_g_unit on June 11, 2016, at 13:23:55

Seriously, I have been posting here -- on and off -- for a long time. During that time, I've tried a lot of meds to get my ADHD, OCD and depression under control but was never successful. A lot of it just seemed to be bad luck: things that should have at least given me some relief statistically, such as benzos or Memantine, just provoked paradoxical anxiety.

I always held out hope, despite very difficult circumstances; my family relocated me to a new country where I had no job, no friends, where I haven't been able to access any kind of disability or social services. What's worse, we moved into a very small, noisy house which has been consistently overstimulating (my focus is bad enough with all three disorders .. plus the anergia makes it hard to go out). The claustrophobia was never something I was able to deal with, and which caused me so much distress. Regardless, they were emotionally abusive over that time and basically paid little attention to the situation they'd put me in.

I've watched my health (physical, mental) deteriorate a lot over those 6 years (and I'm only 30); lacking access to disability has made it impossible to move out. However, things got really bad a year ago when I experienced a kind of 'crash'. The initial symptoms were constant low blood sugar and fatigue. But they worsened over time and included tinnitus, weight gain, vertigo, low blood pressure, peeling skin, temperature intolerance, my facial hair growth slowed down etc. Over time, I've also developed ataxia (I feel off-balance all the time and can't walk around places anymore because I've fallen). What's more, the most minor stress/exertion (walking around the block, a hot bath) will 'crash' me and make me weaker, more hypoglycemic, worsen my balance/dizziness etc.

I saw a doctor who thought it was my thyroid -- and I've read hypothyroidism is the first thing that should be considered for ataxia. However, the medication he tried only worsened my fatigue.

My akathisia has come back since all of this started -- a constant internal pressure that makes concentrating on anything impossible, but the relentlessness of it also means I can't just lie down or not do anything.

Being in this state all day is so hellish -- between home, having to eat constantly to manage the blood sugar drops, the restlessness, weakness etc.

I just don't feel like it's simple depression/anxiety -- and the balance problems suggest otherwise. I know that 'adrenal fatigue' doesn't exist, but it obviously looks like a pituitary problem on paper. It's like my body has become completely unable to generate a stress-response .. even to the most minor of events like heat or physical activity. My symptoms are more consistent with chronic fatigue. If I take anything that lowers cortisol, I feel horrific.

My GP referred me to a neurological and endocrinological clinic and I've been waiting 6 months to be seen, but now he's saying it's psychological anyway. I'm due to see a neuropsychiatrist for the first time next week, but just don't know how I will even get to the appointment in my physical state, let alone explain any of this. And even then, I can't reasonably see what he could try at this point -- especially with the akathisia etc. My doctor tried an AD and it made everything 1000x worse.

I'm really not trying to be dramatic. I just don't see where I can go or what I can do from here. My family aren't rich but they have never even bothered to organize health insurance -- which means no inpatient treatment (I wouldn't be comfortable in a public psychiatric ward) and no TMS, which is available here now. I signed up for a Ketamine trial starting next month and have an interview, but am doubtful I will be accepted with all of my weird health symptoms.

I've always prided myself on my ability to survive, but I just don't feel like I can physically do it anymore. It's hell from the moment I wake up until I sleep. I constant obsess about suicide and have begun making plans in that direction .. much to my reluctance .. but going on like this seems impossible. I'm on suicide watch with the local hospital, but even if I went in, I doubt anyone would believe me. I would consider ECT at this point if it was going to do anything for me.

I just feel so angry .. like I'm dealing with the fallout of a situation that I was put in and never had any control over, and which subjected me to years of relentless, pointless stress. I don't really know what the point of this post is either. I just have always felt like this place was home in a weird way (even though I was away the last couple of years when I had been doing a little better).

 

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poster:g_g_g_unit thread:1089557
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20160609/msgs/1089557.html