Posted by J Kelly on March 19, 2016, at 16:59:16
In reply to Re: Tricyclics and bipolar depression *Trigger* » J Kelly, posted by B2chica on March 19, 2016, at 16:06:06
> thank you for your caring.
I like to think that's why we are here.
> i am absolutely sick and tired of hospital. i just cant do that again.I get this. Three times for me, one forced. Its never fun.
>
> the thing is Jade, i have suicidal thoughts and believe me many of them are tempting. but the truth also is that my pull and desire to remain here for my small children is too strong.
> honestly i was just going to post about this, how somehow this makes things worse. because before kids i felt like i had this 'release valve' of the Option of suicide.
> now that i am actively choosing not to has taken away that 'release valve' and seems to make this pain even more unbearable.I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand. I believe I am still here because of my children. Abandoning them is simply not an option. You are doing the right thing by choosing to remain here for them.
>
> i am utterly exhausted from 'feeling'. i feel such a terribl disappointment of who i am these days.. but i know i need to do everything to stay alive. at least that is how i feel for now. i dont know what the future holds for me.This is so true. Staying alive is the most important goal. We don't know what the future holds but I like to think if we hang on and be brave good things will come to us.
>
> it did not help that i just recently lost a cousin to suicide, about a month ago.. he was in his 50's. so a lot of the responses were 'he held on for a long time', he's at peace now'...
>
> how does that relate to me? cant i be at peace, arent i holding on? and the never ending possibility that it could just as easily have been me... alas it was not.
> i am here.
> in pain, but here.I have more to say about this but not here. Please feel free to babblemail me anytime.
I wish you health and happiness :)
Jade
poster:J Kelly
thread:1087318
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20160306/msgs/1087333.html