Posted by Slugbrain on July 10, 2015, at 8:46:37
Hi all. I've read posts and "researched" meds here many times. Finally reaching out. Hoping for constructive suggestions.
I'm a lifelong Inattentive ADD sufferer. Slug: because like Robert Deniro and friends in the movie "Awakenings", I come to an almost complete stop without a stimulant in my system. My parents said I was sedentary. I was. But they were impatient with my spacy--ness and became angry and hurtful. Other family members began to see me as the Angry One when I objected to my narcissistic father's cruel prognostications re: my subpar academic performance, impulsivity, inattention.
Fast forward: Dx ADD 1992. Stimulants that help are the amphetamines, specifically Dexedrine and Adderall, Vyvanse, etc. I need a tiny bit only or I have trouble sleeping and my already very anxious and obsessive brain lights up and keeps me awake with a torrent of negative and self loathing thoughts. The impact and value of this tiny amount of stim med is immeasurable. I look at a pile of papers and see what should be done, I get up, I organize that and anything else incredibly well in a steady state of concentration (as opposed to an overly "up" response, or hypo or full mania) -- but have to rush to get it all done before the effect wears off and I slip back into catatonia.
I do take the full 450 Wellbutrin for uni depression that seems to be getting worse over time. Comes either in its own, espec in dark months, or as a result of the intrusive, ruminative negative thkinking. I've tried to cut down in the brighter months, as I have in other years, but can't right now. For the OCD-like (not Dx) thinking PDoc prescribed 10-20 mg Prozac in addition. It hasn't really helped so far, but The usual side effects have already appeared. And the self loathing torrents continue.
Sometimes it feels like an electrical storm in there. Along with the nasty thoughts are snippets of songs, many other pieces of events and conversations, seemingly simultaneously. Not hallucations, just a cross circuiting brain. I wonder whether it's an inflammatory problem. Sometimes things calm down after I take an ibuprofen.
Recently tried desoxyn in hopes or alleviating some of the additional anxiety we think due to dex. I've always had success - for 6 hours at a time - with 10 mg spansule. A 5mg IR tab will ramp me up too much but I'll try 1/4 late afternoon to try to jump start things, otherwise I sink into the couch and cannot organize or execute with work or family demands. So far I like the Desoxyn. 5mg at a time seems to be ok; 10 too much (must avoid other stims, espec. caffeine). One time I took my 10 mg Dex spansule in the am and a single desoxyn in the afternoon and was up most of the night. (Another time I took half of 150mg nuvigil - constantly experimenting to get to more hours of concentration - and 1 desoxyn in the afternoon and was awake for 36+'hours, and "extremely productive".)
I hate but accept the role of medication in my life. I worry about the effect on my brain. My short term memory is awful and getting worse. I try to miminize meds as possible. I have no problems at all starting or stopping any amphetamines or Benzos. At times the insomnia + night time anxiety is so awful that I use a sleep or anxyolitc. Will leave out detail about what of those I've tried for now - and patting self on back for beating back impulse to share way more detail than already have. Suffice to say that I've had success with tiny amounts of clonidine to break the neg thought Torrent. But even that means zero productivity the next day unless I do bigger amounts of stim, which I don't want to do, and that doesn't even help that much anyway. Apart from the sedation I love how I feel on trazezodone. Anxiety nearly completely relieved, sleep better, helps depression all the way down to the existential level that Wellbutrin doesn't get to. And that's with only 1/4 of 25 mg tab!!! But extreme sludge brain the next morning, even into the day after.
ALL that to say - and thank you for reading up to here - I am in search of a way to alleviate the neg thought torrent without sedation, and to maintain focus and execution into the evening, without insomnia. Sedation counters ANY anti-ADD benefit from stims and I am not going to do the old "doggy downers, puppy uppers" approach (ancient SNL reference). But i definitely need more hours of productivity, FAR less anxiety, and a powerful enough antidepressant to get all the way to that "I don't bring any added value to my family, to the world, etc." level.
Will stop for now. Will so, so appreciate any thoughts and input that's constructive and not about whether or not one should take any medication at all. Thank you for reading. (And if I have accidentally said something that hurts someone's feelings here, I apologize in advance, please let me know)
I'm an optimist, but I carry an umbrella. Or 2. Sometimes 3.
poster:Slugbrain
thread:1080416
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20150629/msgs/1080416.html