Posted by b2chica on February 10, 2015, at 23:27:56
In reply to Re: worst mixed episode » b2chica, posted by phidippus on February 10, 2015, at 16:40:51
I'm not even sure I can describe in words where I was at mentally. Combine Maximum frustration, desperation, hopelessness, throw in a 'given up', and a pinch of severe anger and that was me at last pdoc appt. Pdoc Still wasn't going to change anything. She kept talking about "wanting me 'stable' on the meds before we added/ changed anything". Ok anyone else see the paradox there??????? I can't get stable on those meds cuz they dont work, she thinks they weren't working yet because I wasn't stable??
Anyway, I looked her straight in the eye, with tears streaming down and told her " I CAN NOT continue to live like this. I have been asking for help since before the holidays. The level of meds don't work...This IS as good as I get. I have leveled off. It may not be what u predicted, but I am patternistc for the last three days. I KNOW my body and I know how this works. Also, my T agrees. This Is It."After she started talking I went on to partially dissociate (which hasn't happened in a YEAR). I came back and started to leave and completely dissociated.
I dont remember it all...bits annnd pieces... But I know from my gut what I must have told her was All my stops are out... Every last card played, used up all my bag of tricks DONE.I do know I left there with zyprexa increased back to 10 And samples of Deplin. To be honest I dont care if I never remember/recover what I said, because I just know my life was saved yesterday by that med change.
I took first Deplin today. I Actually feel 90% better. I feel weak, a little vulnerable but Soooo much better. And I dont care if its placebo or upstart effect. Its like a reprieve... A LONG needed one.
Just to breathe...
"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."
Theodore Roethke
poster:b2chica
thread:1076072
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20150129/msgs/1076244.html