Posted by Rockel By on March 11, 2014, at 17:30:28
In reply to Re: Serenics » Rockel By, posted by SLS on March 11, 2014, at 8:32:15
> Are we talking about hypomania?
>Possibly. I get severe depression with extremely severe irritability and a frenzied sort of anger, where I was so depressed and angry that I even crushed up my food and banged it on to the plate because I felt I had no place to go and no one to love me and because I was given drugs without my consent or permission, (this is unrealistic because I'm a danger when I'm unmedicated). I get such intense anger that I frantically walk around the house looking to destroy something in my anger, and I shatter glasses and other objects, because I have unrealistic mood in my head, I have everything I need and am lacking nothing, but I get crushing feelings on being unloved and a mix of depression and severe anger at perceived insults and deep hurt when people do anything like go out with their friends. I don't have friends or a social life and I'm hurt because I feel that they don't care about me enough to stay with me or pay me attention and give me their love exclusively.
I'm hurt because when I do try to love others, I'm rejected and destroyed by their unacceptence, like priests at church who tell me I can't convert to the Christian faith and receive the holy bread because I have a 'psychological problem' as if God rejects people who are ill.
I get obsessive thoughts about people, like a young girl I saw at church and who is very 'beautiful' but I have morbidly jealous thoughts and black and white thinking because they can't live up to my expectations. I imagine their love for other people. As normal people love each other but I can't accept that. I can't accept people's 'healthy sexuality', the world's concupiscence, young men and women's curiosity for each other and the drawing of their eyes to each other. Nor the fact that anyone I'm with would even look at another man or have thought even a curious thought about anyone. It is not their fault that they do not keep their eyes downwards or thoughts dejected, but my fault that I can't accept what nature God has made.
So I punish myself, sometimes physically when I'm severely depressed. I tell myself that since my family whom I love hasn't received the eucharist either, I won't too, because I love them and will only receive from Christ's own hands when he comes. So I thought that I won't convert either although I did talk to a priest just to see if they would at least accept me as a part of their community, but the priests tell me I don't have a 'Christian disposition' and I better go to a fringe Protestant church instead.
And then I have severely depressed thoughts because I can't live a life everyone else can, because sometimes people love their friends, love the world more than they love me, so I do not want to go to heaven either, because God, even though he gave his life for me, has made a nature for men that I can't accept.
But these thoughts are fairly recent compared to my condition during teen years (I'm 22 now). My father is an abusive person (I do love him because I see the father who did love me when I was a kid) but he wars with my mother and rejects her, and despises her. He would abuse his children too. And so for some time, I lived alone in our other apartment in the building. I sometimes got so angry that for days I would refuse to eat at all, until I got a severe headache and couldn't stand it any longer. I do not know why my mind gets like that.
Right now, I have everything. My mother gives me everything, I'm not asked to work. I can do whatever I want at home, but why this severe anger comes to me, I don't know. Once I was so full of severe irritability and rage, I banged and destroyed furniture for many many hours. Mostly, after a couple hours, I stop, being exhausted with my mind hurting and all and strained and tired out, headachey. This rage got more severe since 6 years ago though I've had depressive-like symptoms since 12 years of age.
I've always concluded that I have a mood disorder with mixed, agitated depression because that's what it seems like to me, but to be honest, my doctor thinks I might have psychotic prodrome. Though I'm not convinced since I've had no active schizo symptoms, even the mild ones, like seeing a shadow near you or recognizing a sound in a whisp of coming wind that happens in some prodromes, neither the classic schizo sx, auditory symptoms.
As for hypomania, I do think it's agitated mixed state, but I don't have some symptoms like racing thoughts, if I do, then it's mild. Mostly my head feels compressed and achey and hurts me to look at anything and even observe anything around me. Someone, not a professional, said that my rage sits in the temporal lobes, I'm not sure what they meant.
My EEG is normal. Sometimes I get extreme states of fear, it passes away. For example, when I was in the dark going to the bathroom and my mother calls out to me for some reason, I got extreme fear and panic, but it passed away after some moments. When my symptoms are great, I tend not to sleep much, some days not at all, even though I'm greatly fatigued and tired. If I do sleep, my timing sets so I sleep in the morning instead. A lot of the time I keep my lights open, because I'm scared of the dark, and scared of sleeping ,because losing consciousness and the thought of going into a state of sleep scares me. Anyway, I do stuff on the internet obsessively, whether reading something or researching something like an alternative to the antipsychotics a drug class made in hell that always gives me stifling side effects.
Well, I think the extreme states of agitation is mixed depression/mixed states. But I don't know. I've taken lamitrigine and valproate, but I had severe episodes of weeping for hours and hours and a depressed mood constantly like I get when in a deep stage of depression. I don't think they worked for me. But there must be something that works for me. I hope.
poster:Rockel By
thread:1062187
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20140307/msgs/1062294.html