Posted by Emme_V2 on December 26, 2012, at 19:34:53
In reply to feel finished, posted by g_g_g_unit on December 26, 2012, at 7:48:12
> I had no idea that things could reach this point. I've found myself in the pits of depression, agony, despair and so on but always felt some sense of hope or reason to continue.
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> Now that I've exhausted most pharmacological options and turned quite a pivotal age (27), I've found myself stuck in what I can only describe as an "existential depression". Everything feels utterly pointless. I feel lost, like my dreams are gone, there is nothing to direct myself towards anymore, no vision of a future .. nearly all of my 20s have been consumed by this horrible illness.
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> I don't know what to do anymore. I know there is only so much professionals can do, but the problem is I don't care about myself enough anymore to want to work with them. My OCD has reached such a terrifying apex that I couldn't even begin to describe how much bizarre phobic avoidance etc. I go through. Trying to piece together some semblance of a life at this point seems impossible. I don't want to live a compromised life, always battling this illness. I *know* that I could have been capable of so much more, and that thought -- what could have been -- eats me up.
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> I guess this is kind of attention-seeking, but I don't know what to do to help myself. I feel like I'm trying to destroy myself .. I binge on junk food, I've stopped exercising and grooming, I sleep as much as I can, I've started abusing certain prescriptions just so I can socialize occasionally (which is something I never would have done in the past). My therapist gave me suggestions, but I don't even bother enlisting them. I feel like I've just been going round in circles in treatment for the past 6 years, and sitting in a park or listening to calming music isn't going to give me a life back.
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> I added hospital cover to my health insurance, which means I can qualify for private in-patient treatment at the end of February. But I really struggle to see what a hospital can do that my psychiatrist couldn't. I guess there are certain options I could try, like high-dose SSRI or whatever, but I don't want to end up so numbed/sedated etc. that life just becomes a purgatory.
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> Sorry for the self-pitying nature of this post. I guess what I'm trying to say in a way is that I really applaud you guys, for continuing to move forward in spite of everything. SLS is really one of the most inspiring people I have come across, and I mean that .. your courage and resilience baffles me.Hi there. Quick note. I'm sorry you're suffering so much. The existential depression you're describing is a terrible state to be in. The horrible things going through your head are a product of the depression. That whole no-vision-of-future thing? Yes, it is the pits. I know it may not feel like it, but 27 is awfully young. I promise you it is. It does sound like a hospital stay might be helpful, but that's a long ways off until late February.
Although I know you're feeling overwhelmed, can I ask a few questions? You may have answered these elsewhere. What do you think of your pdoc? Is he or she up on the research, knowledgeable about the older drugs, etc.? Have you been for a consulting opinion with someone else? Sometimes, no matter how good our doctors are, they need some extra input. What have you been on so far? I'd be surprised if you've truly exhausted all drug options - there's lots of ways to combine things.
Do you feel like your therapist is a good fit?
Have you been tested for thyroid function, B12, vitamin D, etc.? If any of those is off, it'll make things worse. Is there a seasonal component to your suffering?
Then there are alternative remedies (SAM-e, etc.).
What I'm saying is, odds are there are still things to try. It's a real endurance test to survive through all of this. However, you are in good company, so keep fighting!
poster:Emme_V2
thread:1033817
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20121217/msgs/1033946.html