Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » SLS

Posted by g_g_g_unit on August 25, 2012, at 7:11:47

In reply to Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » Raisinb, posted by SLS on August 21, 2012, at 23:02:31

> > I've been in states where I was so frantically doing everything I could think of to defeat my depression that I induced way more dysphoria because I was constantly beating myself up for not doing more or different things. Depression is great for inducing binds like that.
>
> Have you always had high expectations of yourself?
>
> I did.
>
> Perfectionism can be depressogenic.
>
> At some point, I realized just how great an achievement it was to survive with this illness. It was a bitter pill to swallow to lose my intellect and operate at a level way beneath those around me.
>
> I push. I push. I push. I constantly push. It grows tiresome, but I keep pushing. I often succeed. Succeed in what? I succeed in trying. Failure to achieve the goals set forth by others is okay with me. It has to be. I must acknowledge that my illness places upon me limitations that most of the people around me do not have. Thus, my expectation of myself is to try to use all of what little God gives me to work with.
>
>
> - Scott
This is something I struggle with. My psychiatrist (who I concurrently see for psychodynamic therapy) noted that my 'self-knowledge' of what I had suffered through was not sufficient enough for me; that I needed external validation of my suffering.
He's right. But then again, am I as well? How is it not possible to compare yourself to the achievements of others? I don't think most people credit suffering (and its endurance) as an achievement, unless you survived the Holocaust (I'm Jewish, so I hope that doesn't cause offence) or cancer or the like, or otherwise achieved something notable in spite of your illness (Eric's example of John Nash). There is an evident ideological bias in who society is willing to accept as palatable victims or sufferers or martyrs or saints.
I'm probably just being narcissistic. But, as much as I love and respect my psychiatrist, I sometimes hesitate (to put it gently) when he, well, implies that part of my inability to get well derives from a 'lack of effort' on my part, and that, ultimately, man must consign himself to the rule of reason.
What does that mean? Who's rule of reason? Is all suicide, by default, unreasonable? If you fail to accept an illness that compromises your ability to self-actualize, and instead take your life into your own hands, are you being unreasonable? Was Ernest Hemingway unreasonable for blowing his brains out because ECT had robbed him of the ability to write?
I don't know. Sometimes (or more recently), the gap between who I had intended to be, and who I've become (?) makes me feel less intent on continuing. I think it's a profoundly difficult thing to come to terms with and I admire you for it Scott, but I question how much more fight I have in me.

Thread

Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists alchemy 8/20/12
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Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » Tomatheus phidippus 8/22/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough AMEN SCOTT! » SLS alchemy 8/22/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » phidippus alchemy 8/22/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » alchemy Tomatheus 8/22/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists Phillipa 8/22/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » alchemy phidippus 8/23/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists Willful 8/23/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » Willful SLS 8/23/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists Willful 8/23/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » Willful SLS 8/23/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » SLS europerep 8/24/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » europerep SLS 8/25/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » SLS g_g_g_unit 8/25/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » g_g_g_unit SLS 8/26/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » SLS g_g_g_unit 8/27/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » g_g_g_unit SLS 8/27/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » SLS phidippus 8/27/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » phidippus SLS 8/27/12
Re: just a brief digression » SLS phidippus 8/27/12
Re: just a brief digression » phidippus SLS 8/28/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » phidippus b2chica 8/30/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » b2chica SLS 8/30/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » SLS phidippus 8/30/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » SLS Phillipa 8/30/12
Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists » b2chica phidippus 8/30/12
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Re: Too bad we aren't well enough to be scientists TemporarilyBob 9/7/12

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