Posted by Vincent_QC on March 2, 2012, at 11:13:01
Well, it's seem that my anxiety is extremely high since more than 1 and a half year and don't know what to do or what to think about all what happen with me? I feel hopeless and its seem to get worse and worse for no reason and cant barely survive for now.
The last PDoc I had said i'm having social phobia (axis 2 + cluster C type of personality), general anxiety, panic disorder as well as somatization disorder (because of the many symptoms I have who mimic disease that I don't have apparently).
I want some advice and assistance on what to do and to learn a little bit about what can exactly be my psychological problems. Will give the list of the main symptoms I have to help you even if I know I wrote them in another thread 2-3 months ago.
The main problem is cardiovascular symptoms, I had almost all tests to ruled out real cardiovascular problem with my Cardiologist, im in the middle of an events monitor test to see (2 weeks) if I dont have an electrical problem with my heart. The other major complain is that I'm suffering of racing thoughts or obsessives thoughts (false beliefs) switching from past events thoughts to present thoughts (especially about how I will be able to be « normal » again, if I have a real disease and not just anxiety), those thoughts are disturbing and they never stop in my head. I always fear to have a heart attack because my heart is pounding all the time and have an irregular heart beat. Next fall, after almost 8 months of complaining of intestinal pain and constipation to my Gastric by-pass Doc, I finally had 1 intestinal obstruction and had also a bile duct obstruction at the same time, I had 2 surgeries and had enteral feeding with a jejunostomy tube entering directly into my small intestine for 3 months because I was in malnutrition state. I still have pain, cramps and bloating symptoms all the time and cant eat a lot of real foods. Each time I eat something I have thoughts about the pain it will give to me, I think about the constipation problem and I fear to have another intestinal obstruction. Its always in my mind and cant gain weight or take the vitamins I need each day (Iron 300 mg + Calcium 500 mg) cause its worse the constipation and no laxative help me for the constipation so always worried about that. Still have the jejunostomy tube in case I fall in malnutrition state and very tired of it. Also will need another surgery because the wound dont want to heal and always have flow of stinks (its not infected just some strange liquid who come out of the wound all the time). Will sww my Gastro Doc about the constipation problem and the other gastro symptoms in april, maybe im having IBS-C?
Of course I feel always tired, even if I go in the bed early it take forever to fall asleep everytime I go in my bed in the evening I the racing thoughts become worse and can take more than 3 hours to fall asleep even with small dose of Remeron (3,5mg) to help me to fall asleep and all the benzo meds I take (Valium + Xanax + Clonazepam). I wake up often in the middle of the night all sweat especially the face (front + temples) and my back and legs, like im having fever. Always have the goosebumps. When I wake up in the middle of the night I cant get up to go to the bathroom cause my heart rate is too fast and its trigerring panic attacks so I stay in my bed and finally have a panic attack each time, so I need to take extra benzo meds to be able to fall asleep again, normally keep the Valium and Xanax for night and Xanax for the morning only. When I wake up in the morning I feel so bad, its like I dont sleep at all, even if I spend 9 or 10 hours in my bed. I feel like all my body sensations were magnified by 1000, so as soon as im awake in the morning I need to take my Inderal to slow down my heart and the Xanax 0.125 mg + my regular Clonazepam dose who is 0.75 mg every 2 hours. Also need to wait 1 hour at least to smoke my first cigarette in the morning cause of the fast heart rate and panic.
I take between 6 to 8 mg of Clonazepam each day divided in small doses every 2 hours and if I skip a dose I have withdrawl effects who start immediatly, its seem that im very addicted to benzos meds and they dont work on me now but I cant stop them, any slow reduction in the dose lead to worse anxiety. I was used to stop them with no problem in the past and if I try to take it less often with higher dose with more space between each dose like 2 mg at the same time of Clonazepam every 4 hours I feel very bad and 2 hours after the 2 mg dose I need to take it again I know that its not logical because the Clonazepam have a long half-life but its seem that my brains are used to that bad habit since I take the Clonazepam 0.75 mg every 2 hours since more than 1 year and sometimes add Xanax at daytime if I have to get out of the house but when I stay at home I keep the Xanax for the night panic or morning. In the morning I have generally more energy so I can take my shower and get dress but at 12 PM I start feeling very tired again and need to return in my bed and every afternoon I can spend 2-3 hours in my bed trying to nap but most of the time I cant fall asleep because of the racing thoughts those thoughts are sometimes music that I hear in my head wierd no?
I have migraine every day, neck pain, jaw pain and teeth pain, my eyes burn all the time, my hands and feet are cold and clammy, they turn red most of the time and sometimes blueish color, numbness of the left arm all the time, chest pain all the time who is worse if I eat but its not related to my stomach since im taking Prevacid to prevent GERD, dizziness all the time, nausea when I eat or when im very anxious in a car. Also cant eat sugar or chocolate or drink a coffee cause it put me in a panic state for almost 24 hours in a rowwas used to drink 10 cups of coffee back in 2009 and was addicted to sugar I stop drinking coffee in the middle of 2009 and my energy level is at 0 since then and my anxiety is 1000000 times worsenever understand that since it was my PDoc who told me to stop the coffee telling me it will be good for my anxiety!!! I try to drink a coffee again but its making more agitated and increase the speed of my heart.
It's seem that I can't do anything now and have no safety zone... can't stay alone at home, can't drive a car or be a passenger, if I have to go to an appointment I will go with my mom but we can't go on the highway so we always use the small roads and need to stop often because I have a too fast heart rate and nausea.
The constipation problem is getting worse and each time I need to have a bowel movement I start being very anxious and my heart start racing, same for the shower and many others situations that are linked to some unknow fears. If I go out of the house I feel the numbness effect all over my body, my headache become very intense and have chest pain, it's like everything all around me assaulting me and feel not safe and cannot feel relax even if I know that it's not true, my body can't just relax and enjoy the time I spend out of the house. Its seem that I dont have full blow panic attacks but that I live in a panic attack who last foreverfull blow panic attack will occur less often and are trigger by a lot of fears like being in a car, wake up in the middle of the night with racing heart (fear of a heart attack), taking my shower, having a bowel movement or having a bowel movement in the middle of the night (impossible for now) or not having a bowel movement since more than 2 days. What I live all the time now is worse than a panic attack or the fear to have another panic attack cause I know that a panic attack will not kill me since I have them on and off since i'm 19 yo and now 36 yo.
Also can't focus on a task because its hurting my eyes and trigger very bad migraine (no vision problem and had my eyes checked this year), everything that I will do who ask for a mental effort will lead to worse symptoms with extreme fatigue, I can't focus and enjoy a movie or just watching TV because of the racing thoughts and the low energy. I cant also listen to music because im sensitive to noise, same for the TV, everything seem to be agressive to my ears now and have tinnitus all the time in both ears.
Those are my main symptoms. Sorry if it's a long list and sorry for the bad english, with the low concentration and cognitive level I have right now, I can't write better than this.Another point, it's that im meds sensitive, 5-10 mg of Inderal for the fast heart beat is the maximum I can use cause my blood pressure is normal and often on the low side. I can't start again an AD since even 0.5mg of Paxil will trigger panic ( I know that some peoples here will told me its not normal or that 0.5mg of Paxil do nothing BUT on me its doing a lot of things and increase my anxiety and have a very fast pulse rate when I try to take it at a low 0.5 mg and the cardiovascular symptoms are real and don't fade away with time. I was used to take higher dose of all the SSRI's (only never try the Luvox) and older meds like Parnate and Nardil with almost no problem (only hypertensives crisis from the Parnate who almost kill me and severe orthostatic hypotension on the Nardil), now every med I try to take increase my anxiety Even taking a regular Advil lead to severe anxiety and cardiovascular symptoms (was used to take 8 Advil each day for my migraine in the past). I always think about the side-effects and how bad I will feel after taking them.
Each day I feel like it's the last day. Of course I have lost a lot of things since im almost homebound, I have no friend to talk, nothing to do at daytime cause im so tired and anxious that I have no energy to do anything, I stop driving 1 ½ years ago so cant go out bymyself and always need someone to drive me to my appointments. Feel like im dependent of all my family and they are tired of me and my problems. I can't have access to Psychologist cause i'm disable from work and have no money to pay for it and for now I don't have a PDoc, the last one wasnt fair with me and treat my intestinal symptoms like they are just in my imagination but I almost die from intestinal obstruction (had 5,5 liters of liquid in the bile duct and the by-pass Doc told me that if I did not attend the emergency, 24 hours later it would have exploded in my abdomen and cause death). For now I try to find a Private PDoc but its hard where I live cause we have a public health system, so I just have a regular Family Doc who RX Benzo meds and that's it.
Any idea of what happen with me and what to do? Feel very hopeless and think that depression hit me nowThanks everyone
poster:Vincent_QC
thread:1012210
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20120302/msgs/1012210.html