Posted by JohnLA on October 14, 2011, at 18:56:58
In reply to Re: Just a thought... » JohnLA, posted by SLS on October 14, 2011, at 9:34:16
thnx for asking scott.
i'm a talker, but i'll do my best to be brief. ;)
i am not very well. i am in month 19 of my first ever major depressive episode. i pretty much stay in bed almost 24 hours a day. have not worked since april of last year. (i was a teacher for the past 26 years.) i was also very active; travelling, socializing, gym, reading, etc. i've come to a complete stop on all that.
i had several stressful events take place over 2009/2010. kind of a 'perfect storm' coming together that has put me literally flat on my back.
severe anhedonia, isolating and suicidal thinking are the worst parts. i continue to research suicide methods. not a good habit. really crazy because i pretty much loved life before all this went down. for example; i taught art history, film history and music history to 12th graders at a great school. really cool subjects that i was very passionate about and they were very popular courses at the school. (mostly because i gave every kid an A! :)) not 'feeling' mozart or miles or the beatles anymore is just very sad and tragic to me.
i guess it is 'situational' depression. but, 19 months is a long-*ss time to be ruminating on the same 6 or 7 'mistakes' i made in my life. i never realized it, but i think i may have a bit of ocd in me. i'm also thinking i may have been in a mild depression for few years before everything came crashing down. (mid-life, single, some health issues.)
i even tried ect to get out of it. worked briefly. can you believe i had ect 2 months into my depression? it was when i had my first suicidal thoughts and went in-patient voluntarily. i was scared and confused and was willing to try anything at the time to stop the pain.
currently i'm on remeron 30mg and a little klonopin (1 to 2mg). i am less anxious than last year and have gone back to pretty regular sleeping patterns since going on the remeron in december. the klonopin i have slowly been going up in dosage and have been on it for a year. i'd like to try and come down/off that and see if that would help with my depression/apathy. you hear so many conflicting views about klonopin that it's hard to know what to do.
my pdoc is a little frustrated with me since i rarely give a drug a fair trial. (have tried cymbalta, lexapro, wellbutrin, and effexor.) all either did not work after 6+ weeks or made me feel miserable within a week. i was always very med sensitive.
i also go to talk therapy once a week. not sure this helps. but, 'they' say it's a good thing to do. plus, it is a reason to get out of the house. it still blows my mind how reclusive i have become. that, and not showering for a few days at a time is also a trip compared to the old me.
also, i may be doing a clinical study at ucla using TNS therapy. (mogger and i have a thread on this on the alternative board here at babble you might want to check-out.)
ok, i could go on, but i won't. i could always tell in class when i was lecturing too much...
i really appreciate you asking how i am. that was cool. i know you are a bit of a 'vip' here, so again, thnx for taking the time to ask.
finally; how u doing? (that's with a heavy new york accent!)
john
poster:JohnLA
thread:999643
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20111006/msgs/999727.html