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Re: road mapping AD shortlist » floatingbridge

Posted by hyperfocus on April 13, 2011, at 11:09:41

In reply to road mapping AD shortlist, posted by floatingbridge on April 13, 2011, at 7:01:24

> Idle speculation. No, research. Avid advice seeking?
amitriptyline at night. If you haven't tried it, please do. If your pdoc doesn't want to prescribe it find another one who does. For depression, anxiety, pain and insomnia it's worth a serious try. If you take it at night you won't get sedated in the way. Side-effects can be managed.

> While down to xanax cr (1.5 mg daily) and norco 15mgs daily), I am realizing I am a royally volatile, angry, bitter, unpleasant person. I can't stand myself (old news, but without the buffer of 15 meds, there's no distraction).
>
One day I'm going to start a project videographing people with mental illness - following them around for like 24hrs and videotaping everything they do and all their interactions with their families and friends. Then I'm going to show it to them. Then they're going to realize that all their assumptions about their behavior are completely false. You know why you're so hard on yourself fb? Because you know the right way to act and think and treat other people. Most people don't. You might be all of the things you wrote right now but inside you're still a good person because you know what the right thing is. So you snap at your family or you don't have the energy to spend time with your kid. Ok now compare yourself with the average wife and mother out there. Think you're worse than them? Nope. Even at your lowest you're still miles above the average. And your family knows this. I saw a headline about a mom who drove her kids into a river. I bet she didn't feel half-as-much guilt and remorse as you do right now.

> My pdoc has thrown in the towel. He hasn't quit. I suspect he's waiting for me to.
>
A lot of pdocs will quit on you - intellectually detach themselves from your case and label you as untreatable or treatment-resistant. They wash their hands of your pain and convince themselves that there are just people who medical science can't help. If your pdoc does this, find another one.

> I am highly ambivalent about committing to any medication. The best talk I ever had in recent years was with a new therapist whom I was able to confide
> that I was incredibly ambivalent about being alive. Since I am, I'm stuck with it. Never had plans to remove myself. But life is painful and frightening every day.
>
Yeah but I guess the calculus you should be using is: I hurt therefore I am. I bleed because I care. I tear myself up inside because I'm a good person. Being good and in pain is better than being evil and feeling no remorse. Being alive and in pain is better than not being alive and feeling nothing. Better I hurt myself than I hurt anybody else.

> Should I bother to try an maoi or serezone? Am I too raw to try anything now? Maybe in a few months off AD's I
> won't be the world's angriest woman, though certainly I could be even more friendless.
>
> I am so very bitter. And afriad of dissappearing. Being proven worthless.

I think you and SLS and everybody on PB care about life more than any set of people I've ever met in RL. You all care about life too much - that's why you hurt so much. That's why we all think about disappearing - we'd rather disappear than not live right. If like 1% more people were like you guys this world would be such a better place. You are worth more than a whole continent of 'normal' folks.

>
> Asleep tonight at ten, up since 1:30.
>
> fb
Just take it easy on yourself - don't pile on everything at once. ok so you're not s;eeping well - but it's not an absolute catastrophe you know? You'll fix it, you'll get to that eventually. Sleeping late or insomnia isn't the worst thing a person can do.


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poster:hyperfocus thread:982639
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110406/msgs/982652.html