Posted by Enigma on October 7, 2010, at 10:39:59
In reply to Re: Nardil side effects ever go away??, posted by emmanuel98 on October 6, 2010, at 19:24:44
> Didn't you say you had children, Enigma? Do you talk to them? Participate in their care? How old are they?
I don't really like talking about this subject, because without knowing "exactly" what I'm going through, people can judge me too easily, call me selfish, etc..
I have 3 children, 5, 10, and 12. I used to be more involved with their life, now I barely talk to them, as I'm depressed almost ever waking moment of the day. I just hide in my office (my computer room), and try to kill time on the computer. Even that's almost impossible to do. Lot's of the time, I find myself just staring into space, dreaming of things I can't have, or used to have, that made me happy.. things I'm not too old for now, but things you need other people to do with, and those people are <gone>.
They don't do anything 'extra-curricular', which is good I guess, because I'm not sure if I would have the strength to go.
I, and you'll hate me for saying this, don't even enjoy my own company, let alone theirs, (*anymore*). I took them out shopping the other day, and was miserable, my chronic headache was in high gear, and it was a nightmare. My 10 year old has ADHD and my wife didn't warn me or tell me he was off his meds for two days. it was like having 2 five year olds.. they didn't listen, no matter what I did, and drove me crazy (more crazy, I guess). I try to talk to my oldest child about my condition, and she's almost 13 now, so she can try to understand my behavior. Talking to the 10 year old is like talking to a wall. He doesn't listen, and it's almost impossible to get anything across to him. My 5 year old actually understands more about what I'm going through and he does.
They are the ONLY reason I stay alive. Been fighting for them for 8 years now. Would have checked out back then if they didn't exist. I know what it would do to them if I committed suicide, both mentally, with other kids possibly giving them shit about it, and I'm their only income right now (disability) My wife, is useless when it comes to earning money. She's trying for these menial pathetic jobs, but I guess I can't make her "smarter" or get a new degree, so it's all she can do. She just plain doesn't want to go back to school for other stuff, and honestly, she's not that bright, more reason why I don't want to be around her (and made that horrible decision to marry her)
She's been trying to get a job for a while, but needs something part time because I'm not well enough half the time just to see that the kids get on the bus. She had a job a few weeks ago, but already got let go because she couldn't pick up their "phone system", or whatever, quickly enough. I'm so proud.
I really wish she would find another man that could take care of the family financially, like I had done before I got really sick, and replace me as much as possible. Then I could finally be free. The guy she is seeing right now, does not seem like that man, and she's honestly not trying hard enough to replace me, despite what I've told her (about how I could just disappear at ANY time, given how much pain I'm in), and she doesn't seem to care, or take it seriously enough. Again, I can't make her want a new husband. She needs to put the kids first and I could care less if she even had to marry someone for the money. She's just not pulling her weight. My parent's warned me about marrying someone without a career (a real career - that actually earns real money, not a walmart cashier), but I didn't listen.
Anyway, I don't think anyone *really* wants to kill themselves. They just want to stop mindless, needless, suffering. I've been "here" for a while now.. still amazed I find some way to survive each day.
I went to my first new shrink appt in a while, and he had NOTHING for me. 0.
He said, "well, I wish I could help you, but it seems like you've already tried and thought of everything that I would suggest already". Funny, that's what the last one said.No shit. I knew that going there. I only needed a couple scripts from him, that my ex-pcp (asshole) wouldn't give them to me.
poster:Enigma
thread:964115
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100926/msgs/965009.html