Posted by bleauberry on June 20, 2009, at 19:03:55
In reply to Response to bleuberry, posted by Frustratedmama on June 20, 2009, at 7:37:31
Very good post by seldomseen. Please check it out again.
Unless we are paraplegic, we DO have the power to do something. I have been, and am most of the time, in the same place you are. I have been in the hospital psych ward, in the back of an ambulance, and in ECT...all from depression so deep only some of us here know it that bad.
EVERYTHING seems impossible. I take days in 5 minute chunks to make it through.
Eat a good diet, exercise, get out...yeah, all that same old junk everyone says. The thing is, that stuff is kind of meaningless unless we have details...exactly what IS a good diet? What kind of exercise? Get out where? Why do any of these things?
At some point during a day, you will go to the kitchen for something to eat. You will have zero desire to cook, clean, or prepare. Cool. Me too. That can't prevent us from eating good. You don't reach for that can of junk, that frozen dinner, or the donuts. No, you reach for the green leaf lettuce or romaine lettuce, you rip off some large leaves, you lay some deli sliced meat on them, some sliced cheese on them, roll it up, and eat it. Total time, 30 seconds. A bag of potato chips, corn chips, or rice chips, and a dessert of microwave thawed frozen berries in a bowl with cream poured over them rounds it out. Tastes excellent, nutrition excellent, and you succeeded one more time in keeping bad stuff that will feed your illness far away from you. Need more examples? Let me know. Plenty.
Exercise. At one time today I went out back just, well, no reason, just because. Walked around the yard, totally depressed and bored, turned around to go back in. Then I said no, that means the enemy wins. I have zero desire to walk around the block, zero energy, it won't be fun, it will suck, waste of time...but I did, one foot in front of the other at a time, and I sped up the pace a bit to get breathing harder. It did suck. It wasn't fun. But it did say no to the enemy, and it did stop the depression from getting worse, and maybe slightly helped. Instead of battling my 5 minute segments, gosh, a whole 35 minutes went by in one chunk. THAT was a win.
All of these things are not miles away from you. Only if you allow them to be. Can you walk? Do your arms work? It takes no thought. One just looks at their feet and tells one to get in front of the other. And repeat.
It is kind of like pushing a dead car. It is hard to get it rolling, but once it has started to roll, it is a lot easier to keep it rolling.
I tell ya, the LAST thing I want to do is get out of the house. I just want to lay down and die. A drive in the car sounds impossible. That's because the enemy wants me to believe that. I say no to the enemy. My arms, legs, and eyes work, so I'm getting in the car. It will suck. It won't be fun. It won't cure me. Waste of time. No, sitting home is a BIGGER waste of time.
Where do I go? I don't want to go anywhere! The mall. Shoot, too many people and too much noise. Ok, the mall is perfect. The enemy would rather have me secluded by some rock in the wilderness. So the drive sucks. I hate red lights. Traffic. What are all those people doing and where are they going?
Anyway, my legs feel heavy walking around the mall. And I had to park so far away. It is noisey. I hate seeing all these happy people, all the young ones in love. Why can't that be me? I window shop. Everything looks boring. But I did see a couple things among the hundreds that actually sparked a little curiosity and I took a closer look. No big deal, but that was a MONUMENTAL achievement. And I bought a piece of dark chocolate. It was good. And that is a healthy food to have everyday. Yeah, dark chocolate. The drive home sucked, but I felt like I was in the midst of an intermission from a boxing match, and I won the last round. A smile was a long way away, but somewhere deep inside there was a smile saying "You won this round". There were some 5 minutes chunks of the day on this trip, but overall, about 2 hours went by. Cool. And they were a healthy 2 hours.
You DO have the power. It is a choice. Unless your arms and legs are broke and you are in a coma, there are things you can do to keep the enemy from digging you deeper. Each tiny little success is good...because they all add up. After a while, you have a huge pile of wins. And you realize, gee, no healthy person out there could have done what I did. I am stronger than they are. I feel really bad, but ya know what, I am proud of the way I fight. I think I'm not as deep in the hole as I was. I'm not. All this stuff really did do something.
And that lunch of green leaf/meat/cheese rollup, fruit and cream? Gosh, I'm not sure, maybe it's my imagination, but I feel a little better than the friggin junk I usually eat. And this stuff was actually faster than a microwave.
Ok, Sunday. Church? Are you nuts? Where is Jesus when I need him? He sure isn't healing ME? Way too many people, too crowded, all strangers, gosh, that's a frieky place to be. Perfect. I'm going. The drive will suck.
Strangers shake my hand walking in. They seem so happy. I cannot even smile. I think I'm looking at the ground. I really don't want to be here. Turn and leave. No, stay and win. Ok, I'll stay for one song. I sit in the back, near an edge where I can escape easily. The song almost had me in tears. My new comfort zone is this chair. I don't want to stand up and leave. Everyone will see me. Another song. A third song. Uh-oh, time to make the offering. I don't have any money. Ok, this is a good distraction. I can leave now, no one will notice.
Man I tell you what. That was a HUGE win. Damn, I scored a serious blow on the depression monster. The rest of the day, I don't know, maybe it's my imagination, I almost feel like God is here with me in my house. Today isn't nearly as bad as yesterday? Hhmm. I wonder what's up with that?
That was sure hard. I did it once, so I know I can do it.
Before doing ANY of the above things, the thing I REALLY wanted to do was reach for the phone and dial 911, or just die. I made progress with each and every "win". Maybe it isn't healing, but it does cause improvement and it keeps it from getting worse. It gives total blackness a streak of light. Hope. Accomplishment. Strength.
Through it all, I know that sooner or later me and my doc will get it right. But until then, I gotta keep forcing myself to enter these battles, because each time I do, I WIN! And the whole time, I know this from experience, the excellent food choices will be worth about 2 to 3 points on the 1-10 depression scale, keeping me out of the darkest places.
poster:bleauberry
thread:901734
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090620/msgs/902298.html