Posted by meltingpot on February 28, 2009, at 14:11:55
Hi,
My name is Denise from the UK and I've been coming to this board since 2001 (when my depression/anxiety) resurfaced. I haven't posted for a while but have lurked.
Back in 2001 I had very anxious depression with suicidal thoughts. I tried many drugs and combinations with limited success. The only thing that gave me respite from the awful anxiety was Zyprexa 10mg (when I took it). I worked thoughout all of this.
Then all of a sudden in 2003 40mg of Seroxat started to work, within about 4 days. I started to want to do things again, going out, getting dressed up, work was going good. I started enjoying sex again for the first time in ages and going on holidays.
Then in 2005 the Seroxat seemed to stop working in the sense that some anxiety came back and I just seemed to stop enjoying things like I had been. I wasn't too bad though (I wasn't suicidal). The pscyhiatrist tried adding Buspar, lithium, lamictal but these drugs but it didn't lift the depression, just made me feel more tired.
Over a year ago my psychiatrist put me on Lexapro and this did help somewhat, I still experienced anxiety (a kind of restlessness) but It was more focused and positive and at that time I felt more hopeful, I felt stronger in myself. However, I still didn't feel as good as I had between 203 and 2005.
Last year I had therapy, I didn't find it that helpful although I gave it my best shot but at that point it wasn't such a big deal as the Lexapro was still helping somewhat.
Anyway in November of last year, I started noticing myself going downhill. This started with my having very bad dreams, waking up screaming, falling out of bed. Three nights on the trot I didn't sleep at all and had to take a Zyprexa just to sleep. Any motivation I had seemed to go. The anxiety and suicidal thoughts came back with a vengence, with my pacing up and down for ages feeling really really worried and anxious. I have been retching a few times in the morning and I've lost a lot of weight (always a really bad sign with me)
I'd ordered some effexor off the internet so I decided to give that a try but again I experienced excrutiating anxiety on it so gave up on it. It's strange because I'd taken this before (prior to November) along with Lexapro and there was no anxiety just no difference.
I've stopped the lexapro because I just felt it wasn't working and I'm trying Clomipramine (which I ordered off the internet) but I'm still feeling very suicidal. I spent last weekend searching the internet for the best ways to kill myself using carbon monoxide. I've been looking up parachuting courses as I keep thinking of going on one and then just not opening the shute. I'm still working but am really feeling like I'm faking it all of the time and it seems to be getting harder and harder.
I'm very worried and I've booked an appointment with a private psychiatrist but I'm not sure what she can do (I'm feeling pretty negative about that) as I've tried so many medications in the past, they didn't work then, and I can't see how they will help now when I'm feeling much worst.
My depression has always had a really strong anxiety component to it. Even when I'm feeling sort of ok I always find it hard to sit still, I have to move around a lot but now it's getting worst.
I want to try ECT but I keep being told it doesn't work for my kind of depressin, I'd even try Deep Brain Stimulation but there is no way my pscyhiatrist would refer me but then I'm starting to feel completely hopeless anyway, like I'm never going to feel better (typical negative thinking I know). I do keep trying to think positively but it doesn't seem to make a lot of difference. The only thing that makes me feel any better is the thought of jumping off a cliff right now.
I look on the clinical trials. gov site quite a lot for new treatments for depression but then get despondent as the drugs with a different mode of action seem to be in Phase I still and many of the ones in Phase II seem to be me too drugs.
I'm really scared and worried. I have an appointment with this psychiatrist next weekend, I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions.
Zyprexa does help with the anxiety (when I take it). I get the most help from it when I take 10mg now and again. What seems to happen is the 10mg completely numbs me the next day and then a day or two later I start to feel a bit better. I don't want to take this drug on a continual basis but it does seem to give me a bit of a holiday (from myself) now and again at least.
I'm very very worried, I haven't felt this bad for a long time.
At least before I felt I could always at least feel somewhat better with an SSRI (whether it be Seroxat or Lexapro) but now I feel they've completely stopped working on me so it feels as though the rug has been pulled from under my feet.
Denise
poster:meltingpot
thread:883081
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090223/msgs/883081.html