Posted by SLS on February 22, 2009, at 5:33:28
In reply to Re: I'm ready to off myself, posted by uncouth on February 21, 2009, at 21:41:45
Hi.
> this was me. i'm simply ready to go. there has been no joy, no priceless life experiences, simply enduring constant pain.
Yes, I know. Most of us know. You are not alone.
Even while severely depressed, you can experience joy. You have to be prepared to recognize it when you encounter it, and not be resistent to the experience. For that encounter, you must live in the moment and ignore the depression. That's for joy. Joy is not an affect, it is a cognitive experience that resonates with your being. You are what you are inside. Good stuff, if you ask me. One thing that I doubt you will be able to do is like the way you feel. You can like small children at play, but you can't like the way you feel while watching them - unless you allow yourself the joy to penetrate you.
You feel worse than anyone can put into words. You are frustrated in a way that would be fair to no one. Many of us score high on the prisoner of war axis of personality inventory tests. Severe depression is traumatizing. You are traumatized right now. You need to rest. Quiet your mind. Relieve yourself of the anxiety. Allow your anger to pass.
> the humane thing to do to man's best friend is to put him out of his misery when he is in pain, right?
Sometimes. People have very specific criteria they use to come to that decision, though.
> therefore why is it deemed so unrealistic to put oneself out of such constant misery?
It is your right to do so, I believe. It is called autoeuthanasia. It is a rational suicide. However, I believe that one must be of sound mind to make this decision. You are not. It is a paradox with depression. It is the depression that prevents one from acting with a sound mind. Yet, I have had moments of clarity with my severe depression to know that at any time, I could choose to end and preempt what might have turned out to be a new beginning. I opted to fight on and search for that new beginning.
You are in a very bad place right now. You have layers of depression that are conspiring against you - more than just the biological disorder. It is too much for anyone to bear indefinitely. Fortunately, these worst of the worst often pass by themselves, and you will not feel about things like you do now. The bad time will pass, and your severely oppressed mind will find enough relief for you to carry on with life.
You will endure this worst of times. You will endure the depression while you are still bound by it. You must rest, though. Rest.
I basically agree with your premises on everything except this:
> the reality is that im always going to be sick
You see, I have been treated for depression unsuccessfully for 25 years. Some people here can attest to the severity of my depressive state. I won't go into my littany of agony, but suffice it to say that the NIMH (NIH) had not seen too many patients in worse shape than me. I endured, and there is nothing special about me. I just look at things logically. The permutations of drugs available are too many to neglect in making any decision to quit.
As prepared as I was for my suffering to come to an end, I did not want to leave life, as I believe that it is the only one we have. I could never enjoy life and make the whole thing worthwhile if I were to die. I do believe in God with all of my heart and soul. This has helped me a great deal. Spirituality is at the core of my being. I would be very happy to learn that you have some higher power that offers you comfort. Sometimes that is our last defense against throwing it all away.
Don't confuse the ending of pain with the ending of life. You can remain alive and end the pain. The catch is, you must know that you will not feel so great in the meantime. However, I believe that you can find self-esteem. I believe that you can find love. I believe you can experience joy. You don't have to find joy, it finds you - everyday. You just have to recognize what it is that brings you joy. Don't resist joy. Don't resist praising yourself for your achievements. You have endured one of the most hideous of diseases. That is a monumental achievement. You have my respect and admiration for choosing to continue with life.
I stayed alive. I won.
Stay alive. The logical odds are in your favor that you will find a treatment that makes life worthwhile. I want you to win, too.
I forgot to mention that I like you, for whatever that's worth. You are likable. You don't really have much choice in that. It is woven into the fabric of your being. I selfishly would like for you to remain alive.
- Scott
poster:SLS
thread:881426
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090213/msgs/881636.html