Posted by blueberry1 on February 4, 2007, at 6:31:56
Just found out I am so in debt cannot see a psychiatrist. Even if I could, there are no good ones in my State. Must stick with $45/hour nurse practioner. Who probably, along with me, could use some diagnosis help. YOU make the diagnosis. Let me know what you think. You all are smart.
Family history. Great great grandmother had severe depression treated with insulin shock therapy which eventually killed her. Grandmother had a 7 year postpartum depression. No others in the family seem to have had any probs.
Hypomania? I think so, not sure. Example. When younger I got into fast cars. Skipped entire semesters of college to just build engines and race. I was consumed by it. Not sure if just pure passion for it or whether it was excessive behavior. As I look back, it does seem quite irresponsible and excessive. Example. Bedroom needed a lot of work. Old dilapidated walls and ceiling. With lots of enthusiasm I ripped out all the walls and ceiling, brought in new material and redid the whole room. The problem was that near the finish, all the enthusiasm and energy was gone. I barely was able to force myself to finish. Started feeling very alone, insecure, and...doc said depressed. That began my medication journey.
Depression? All through childhood. At child summer camp counselors would pull me aside to ask what was wrong. I didn't know anything was wrong. They said I looked sad all the time. I thought I enjoyed activities but actually I didn't much. In teens a girlfriend left me. Plunged into a severe crying depression that lasted months. More than what would be expected from a breakup. It lifted as I got into new lovers and race cars. Parents moved me to Hawaii years later. Imagine, totally depressed, withdrawn, unable to experience pleasure, in paradise of all places.
Marriage. Spouse took a job for the first time. I found myself very insecure, jealous, paranoid, absolutely positive spouse would have an affair and fall in love with someone else. Totally unfounded. Marriage is actually one of the best one could ever hope for. Went to counseling for 6 months. Discovered the core problem...abandonment. Was literally abandoned as an infant and up to age 2. In my bones. Counseling did not help. Counselor eventually said it was a chemical imbalance and I needed to see a doctor.
Paxil worked ok for a year. 6 months after stopping it, bad shape again...depressed, insecure, abandoned, fearful. Next decade was prozac+zyprexa. Decent years. The usual ssri blahness flatness. At about 8 years started getting strange new symptoms...upon waking there was a totally engulfing feeling of dread and of butterflies in the stomach. It would go away in about 2 hours and then the day was fairly ok. Horrible way to wake up day after day. Over time zyprexa and prozac were dropped, replaced with many other things, most of which made me WORSE.
Best combos in the last two years:
20mg prozac+5mg zyprexa (except for that terrifying way to wake up...I wonder what it was and what could have treated it).
25mg zoloft + 500mg depakote + 2.5mg zyprexa. Decent, very little depression, very little anxiety, no morning dread or butterflies, just overall very blah and flat, no interest.Now. Quite depressed with anxiety. While on cymbalta those paranoid jealous feelings of spouse falling in love with someone else have returned. Again, totally unfounded.
I couldn't venture a diagnosis. As I look at descriptions of different things, I would say it is Bipolar II but also some Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression, Anxiety, and something in the Schizoaffective vein...where does that unfounded paranoia come from? And why did cymbalta spark it?
Am thinking of returning to one of the med cocktails mentioned above. Probably the zoloft/depkote/zyprexa one. Just get to a place of stableness and blahness and then go from there.
Sorry so long. What are your thoughts?
poster:blueberry1
thread:729561
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070201/msgs/729561.html