Posted by nolegirl23 on January 29, 2007, at 22:08:21
I ....
Wow, that was wierd, just posting the letter "I," as if it had a meaning... "I" implies an identity, and I suppose that establishing a true identity for myself has been a struggle for most of my life........
Anyways, I have a boyfriend who cares about me deeply, so deeply that he get physically ill when I engage in my mentally ill behaviors..
Let me introduce myself from a psychiatric prospective; I have anorexia nervosa w/ bulimic episodes, Bipolar II disorder, Panic Disorder, and OCD.
I suppose that my above dx's have slid under the radar for quite sometime as time (except for the anorexia/bulima - that has been well known to all since I was 12, I am 25 now..)After inpatient tx for my eating disorder, my eating has somewhat stablized, but I have picked up other forms of self destruction in place of the starving, OCD-excersize, purging, ect.
I drink now, I cut now, I am more Effed up now than I think I was when I was just another girl with an eating disorder...Anyways, I know that I am effed up, on lots of meds, and trying to become normal, like him!!
Issue being, my boyfriend is totally in denial about his co-dependency; and I am the cause of his struggle with being a co-dependant.
He is in the military, he is on the football team, watches nothing but football and is what I would call a total "MAN."
But when he sees my cuts, when he knows that I have purged, when he knows that I am home from a night of drinking (I DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE), he falls apart, and as far as I'm concerned, it is my fault. If I wasn't like this, maybe he would be healthy?
Maybe he wouldn't fall to pieces when I want to do things that normal (is that really a word??) want to do..
He cries, he gets angry, he blames his ulcer on me, he tells me to move out because he cannot handle me because of his physical health.. He FALLS APART, literally.. He doesn't trust that I haven't purged since Christmas at my dad's, he thinks I still drink and drive (which I DID, but I DON'T), he thinks I still cut..... cutting is a toughie..
Never mind me, the point is him.
Should I leave him so that he can be in peace ??I can only describe his behavior as that of a co-dependant person and I don't know what to do.
He hasn't eaten in 3 days because of the ulcer. He lies in bed all day.. We work for the same agency , and he doesn't show up for work until 10:00 am and when he gets home, he sleeps...
Prior to me, he went through a nasty divorce, and I cannot help but conclude that he is depressed.
I have brought this to his attention, and he assures me that he is fine and that he only worries about me.
I have been in intensive outpatient therapy for one year, and went to a psychiatric hospital for a month in august, I am trying my hardest, taking my meds, doing all that I can, and still trying to be a normal 25 year old female.That seems to be the problem.
I am 25, I am successful, I have a great job, a college degree, my own car, apt, cat, I'm paying off all of my college credit card mistakes, I am doing awesome ( other than my mental health issues)...
So, as a reward for coming to where I am now from where I was at FSU (ummmm.. I've gotta plead the fifth....) I have done great, and I like to go out and tie one on every now and then - (i.e. GET DRUNK) ... But when I do, my co-dependant boyfriend has an ulcer, and makes sure that I am aware of said ulcer before I go out.
I give him PLENTY of notice before I go.. I let him know days before I plan a weekend of debauchery.... He is a-okay until the night I go out. And then, all hell brakes loose. Here come the tears, here come the "I don't trust you not to drink and drive (I am a Law Enforcement Officer; I DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE, BUT don't let my occupation interfere with your disclosure on this board.... )I feel immense guilt when confronted with the fact that my actions have such power that they can cause a person to become physically ill...
Maybe it is weird because nobody has ever cared this much, but nonetheeless, I cannot let somebody elses pain rest on my conscience (SELFISHNESS ??)Is my boyfriend co-dependent ??
Or am I the one to blaim....Please answer honestly, my feelings are irrelevent at this point.
Much love
~ Shanon ~
poster:nolegirl23
thread:727952
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070125/msgs/727952.html