Posted by snapper on November 16, 2006, at 1:58:07
to get well! Simply as I can say............ meds are mostly useless when you know you are intelligent and you have so many good ideas and apathy at the same time when you can't take advantage of the ideas because of paralysis of the will..... It is hard to even find a notebook that suits my "gd" ocd perfectionistic personality to write them down to even try to start to make progress. I am NOT bragging but I am very intelligent like many of you are as well.... My illness is slowly but surely killing me. What a waste...... Agitation is too much at times and my social phobia is a major hinderance to what I used to be or what I could be. Yet my 3lb of brain tissue says uh uh.no ...you are a piece of s*hit and unworthy and not worthy of success like a normal person or what I at least thought I had. My psudeo-dementia re-inforces my thinking and creates inactivity and feelings of worthlessness. Apathy invades my imagined possible success and even if I became 20 to 50 % well..would it matter.....would it change my distorted thinking? Rumination is a bitch... anxiety is the wall of trying and apathy and nihlism is the kicker...Yet I keep going and trying. I pictue myself dead before my friends (what ones I have) (no pity wanted) and family...thank God for them.I am lonely - ---not afraid to say I could use some Human touch and affection...:)--- I am a walking ghost of invariable moods and emotions. Sometimes I hate everything I see, hear and think and imagine.I hate thinking toooooo much!!!! Alcohol is my dead end " Buddy". No re-direct here...thanks.... least I do not get alcoholically whacked every night. I like the sober times and the drunk times. Meds and all .Maybe I have a secret death wish. I hope I do not hit the wrong button on my 2 am keyboard and delete all this babble. You guys understand. If you don't then I am really screwed. Sorry. Thanks for letting me vent. BTW I am not giving up!!! Hope I did NOT bum any body out. VNS is the next stop on this " crazy train" !
ps: I still do not know what that 14 'dot' password is ....I used to have a brain. I know a lot of you can relate. I have the memory of and attention span of a 2 year old human and a spastic monkey on sugar and speed (seriously and kidding) :)) I hurt guys --:(
Thanks for the rant..............
Snapper
poster:snapper
thread:704155
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20061110/msgs/704155.html