Posted by pseudoname on November 2, 2006, at 11:39:50
I am considering ECT (electroconvulsive therapy); rather desperately, actually. My sense of hopelessness, inability to act, feeling trapped, and suicidal ideation are at their highest point since my suicide attempts 3 years ago. The buprenorphine I've been using for about a year probably still helps my mood somewhat, but at this stage I don't really notice it.
In order to get ECT, I would have to check into the hospital as an inpatient for at least 3-4 weeks; this is because I live alone and have no family support around me or transportation to & from the ECT site. I don't know what would happen to my business while I'm in the hospital. I'm semi-hoping my insurance company won't cover the treatment, because then I won't have to figure out how to manage it.
My sister (who lives near me) will be angry with me if I take this route, mostly because of how it could affect my business. She would be worried that I would make demands on her; she already does not respect me because I'm such a slacker. It is important (I'm reminding myself) not to place any demands on her at all, though it would be nice if she could bring my mail to me on the weekends. The hospital is about 60 miles away from us, alas. I think she doesn't believe in depression as an illness; she thinks I'm just not trying.
I offered to GIVE my business to my brother if he would take it off my hands. He lives 200 miles away and is looking for something new to do during the winter. He didn't reply but sent his wife to tell me they were open to it. Then when I get out of the hospital, *ASSUMING I'M CURED*, I could……? Do something else for a living? Yeah, sounds like a plan.
I had ECT in 1989; it was UNILATERAL (current goes in one side your head and out the front) and didn't help at all. I'm hoping BILATERAL (current goes straight through your head) will make a difference. What other options do I have? I even tried ACUPUNCTURE last month, for crying out loud.
I don't know why I'm posting this. There is no one in my life who's actually close enough and has the various resources to help me. Perhaps that is because I've been depressed for so long and have not built good, healthy relationships or built up a reserve of money and other supports. So getting cured of depression could be a helpful thing for me in the future. On the other hand, if I go into the hospital, I could end up bankrupt and sued by my few remaining clients for negligence or something. And there's a high likelihood that the ECT will not help anyway.
Like I said, I don't know why I'm posting this. Thanks to anyone who read so far; apologies if it's too pathetic for words.
poster:pseudoname
thread:699762
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20061028/msgs/699762.html