Posted by Deniseuk190466 on July 30, 2006, at 13:34:18
I really don't know what to do anymore, for the last five years I've struggled along trying to find something to make antidepressants to work again like they did in my twenties. I just can't understand why everything I try (apart from antipsychotics) either make me worse or don't seem to do anything. I always used to think it was so simple, antidepressants = no depression.
Why is it that any antidepressant I used to take when I first started to take worked so miraculously and not they just seem to make things work, only in a different way? Any psychiatrist I see has no answer to this question and it worries me, it kind of indicates to me that they really know nothing about these drugs and how they really work.
I also don't understand these ideas about gene testing for an indication of how a person will respond to a particular AD. If years ago ADs worked for me and now they don't, how would gene testing helped me. Surely your genes don't change over time.
Anyway three years ago and after trying many medications and combinations of meds Seroxat at 40mg started helping me within about four days but never as well as it had done years ago. Again I don't understand why it started to help, there didn't seem to be any reason for it and then almost two years ago it stopped working and I started getting a lot of negative symptoms again.
Now my psychiatrist is pretty much telling me that he wants me to take Zyprexa regularly for at least 3 months and doesn't want me doing anymore experimentation with other drugs. I don't want to do this as I see Zyprexa as my safety net and I don't want to use my last option. What I really do want is for the ADs to work like they used to and (maybe I'm deluding myself) but I was hoping that ECT would help them to work again but the psychiatrists (and I've had three opinions) all say the same thing.
I don't want to take Zyprexa for ever but if I take it I can't see what will change to allow me to ever get off it and then if it stops working I'm completely f****d. My psychiatrist tells me that hopefully if this ever happens then there will be newer more effective drugs on the market but from all the searching I've done on new drugs I find it really disheartening because the drugs seem to take forever to even come out on the market and the only new drugs which come out are just variations of SSRIs.
Also, I can't see the point of taking Seroxat at 40mg along with the Zyprexa as it is not helping anymore but my psychiatrist hasn't even addressed that question.
I've never had much faith or hope in my current psychiatrist but then I guess if I was feeling better I would have, it's all so subjective. But my confidence in him is not that great, although he is very kind and understanding, he never seems completely on the ball and eres far to close to caution for my liking. He is supposed to be one of the knowledgeable psychiatrists at the hospital but several times he's done something to make me question his expertise. He's always been reluctant to try other things, for instance adding mirtazapine to Seroxat he considers risky and he wouldn't try increasing my seroxat to 60mg as he says that is only for OCD! I think that is just ridiculous. I went ahead and increased my Seroxat to 60mg anyway without telling him but as it happens that didn't work.
I feel like I'm stuck with a Psychiatrist who wont try anything new, who is afraid to experiment with anything that istn't tried and trusted and the other psychiatrists at the hospital just seem to back him up. I'm in the UK and the medical system only allows you to see psychiatrists at a hospital in your area of residence so I don't have much choice. When I had a good job I had private medical cover so could afford to go where I liked, now I'm not in that position.
I have thought about lying to my psychiatrist and tell him that I'm taking Zyprexa and then after three months tell him that it isn't working as well as I want and then demand ECT but then I'm not sure about doing that either. Also this hospital in my area doesn't do unilateral very much and I would only have unilateral so am concerned that should I have the treatment it wouldn't delivered as effectively because of the lack of experience with unilateral.
I'm really not sure what to do anymore just don't want to have to rely on taking Zyprexa for the rest of my life, if I seriously thought that taking Zyprexa for three months would cause permanent improvements in my brain and then I could come off it then I would be happy to take it for three months but I don't think that will happen.
I know ECT is only a short term fix but I just want something thing that will somehow jump start the antidepressants into working again.. I'm happy about taking antidepressants for the rest of my life but am uncomfortable about taking Zyprexa for the rest of my life. I feel very uncomfortable about the lack of effect I'm getting from standard ADs.
Also, I've noticed that when I do take a zyprexa, the day after I feel incredibly calm but not at all sociable infact I feel pretty flat, it's only after the second day that I start to come alive and this last for about four days and then I go down again.
I'm coping at the moment and am functioning but don't look forward to anything, don't really want to talk to anyone unless I have to and am just not sure who I am anymore. I actually grieve sometimes for the person I used to be and how I used to feel. I'm also confused, I don't really care about seeing my boyfriend (now my ex really) anymore as the dynamics of our relationship have changed so much and I'm not sure if I've stopped caring about him because of the depression or if I would have stopped loving him anyway.
When I make an effort I'm told that I'm very attractive and wouldn't have problems find anyone but I don't feel able to connect with other people (male or female) in the way I used to and don't particularly want to either as I can't see the point.
I remember when I was in my teens I had a really close friend, she was like a sister, but then at 17 when I started suffering from depression I suddenly felt like I was a completely different wavelength to my friend and unable to connect with her in the way I used to. Subsequently we drifted apart, again I don't know if this would have happened anyway but I really can't help feeling that my depression was a big attributing factor and I see the same thing happening again with my boyfriend of 8 years. It's sad really because he came around last Friday and I felt like in a way were were strangers and yet this is the guy I had once been so intimate with.
I guess my confusion is that I don't know if I would have got fed up with my boyfriend with or without my depression, all I do know is that since this latest bout has happened I find it very hard to be with any one person for a long period of time, I always feel the need to get away or to have space.
Sorry for rambling, just wanted to type out my feelings and am hoping for some advice.
Denise
poster:Deniseuk190466
thread:672035
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060724/msgs/672035.html