Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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a ghost. do long term inpatient exist?

Posted by reese7194 on April 4, 2006, at 9:15:56

hi. are there any places that are like rehabs but for mental health. not five day psych hospitals but actual places where you stay for 30 days to three months. that are not just 12 step programs for "drug" use. this is my situation.

i have been dealing with manic depression and other mental stuff for maybe twelve to fifteen years. i have been in and out of i don't know how many psych hospitals. have been on every medication that exists. have been on off-label experimental medication. have worked with doctors at nyu, mclean, mayo clinic but

for the past three years i have graduated to being a fulltime participant on disability. i no longer want to do anything, be anything. if anything is someone asked me why i am still here i really couldn't give them an answer. i don't know. i no longer can do the one thing that makes me feel good. which is acting.

the one consistant feeling is fear. it's like someone sticks a needle in my arm at the exact moment my eyes open in the morning and it's injected inside me.

like most people know, patterns, feelings, highs, lows are in flux and it becomes a battle of time. how to get through the next minute. it has changed and lessened from what it used to be say fifteen years ago. when i felt like i was on fire all the time. but i think that i have gone through so many highs & lows that i have burned myself away. where i now feel almost nothing. like a ghost who feels in black and white but somehow still has the capacity to say hello and goodbye to passing people.

i no longer think of finding a someone to have a relationship with. i no longer think of falling in love. making love. kissing. no longer have the need to write. no longer go watch or go see movies. listen to music....

last year i already took "time off". i live in new york and last year i took seven months off and moved back with my mom in california. there i went to an outpatiend program at ucsf which felt like repeating fifth grade. i then moved back to new york to continue with my acting, in september. that eight months really feels like two or three years. i really can't believe it's only been eight months. i just finished acting in a play. but even that was not easy. an acting has always been the one thing that brought me a feeling of happiness and joy. but the problem with acting is that it doesn't last forever.

if anyone knows of anything i would appreciat it. i am just beyond tired. it takes a long time to reach this point. to actually see hope, dreams, passion evaporate and literally feel like a skeleton.

i apologize for this whiney, bitchy, monologue.




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