Posted by iforgotmypassword on November 3, 2005, at 2:46:35
i am having a slight easier time typing right now. but it's thats the slight amount that can actually make me vomit something and have the nerve to hit the submit button. i still feel very little capacity to communicate meaningfully. but for so many days up until 12 hours ago i had one of the worst dead periods ive had in a while. everything was difficult to get out and was so effortful. but i am always capable of empty small talk, and nonsensical frustrated irate verbal diarrhea. it becomes a lifeless, yet extremely animated vegetative process. i am never to say anything with any remote function. forget meaning, it is *of course* never there. i am never able to say anything that really feels like it has anything to do with me, or what i could say if i could actually feel things. every word becomes effortful. i cannot put words or thoughts together and every breath and second past is a brick wall. it is unbearable. it seems a lot worse when it is day time for some reason, which was a huge complaint regarding functioning in my teens and my mum seemed to have a similar characteristic as well (her mood would often be much better and predictable in the middle of the night, but could sometimes border on over-engaging and uncannily euthymic, but not at all adversarial as typical otherwise).
this speech problem tends to go along with executive functiong as all tasks and assesments of my surroundings become insurmountable and if actually confronted, unbearably exhausting and stressful. it's like i have the mind of a babbling vegetable, but forcing it to say or do anything meaningful or productive other than feed off the land is impossible. can i consider it a virtue of mine that i may one day be an excellent source of nutritious biomass? is that even a lofty goal?
this is terrible.
poster:iforgotmypassword
thread:574805
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20051031/msgs/574805.html