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Re: Day 10. It's worse.

Posted by 4WD on October 4, 2005, at 20:55:29

In reply to Day 10. It's worse., posted by 4WD on October 2, 2005, at 22:42:41

Thank you all.

I stopped the Luvox and went back to Celexa. On Sunday night, it was so bad I did have to go and find people to be around to stay alive.

Then I took 5mg of Zyprexa and went to bed. Monday morning I went back to Celexa. I called my pdoc and he called me this morning and I have an appointment Thursday.

I am better today already. The Zyprexa helped I guess. The deep horrible unbearable pain depression has receded and now I am just scared and unhappy and shaken up.

I have been somewhere for the last three days that most people in this world never go. I imagine many of you on this board have been there. I have only been there two or three times before myself. I have been trying to think of ways to describe it but it's impossible.

Have you ever had a nightmare and you woke up in horror and finally realized it was just a dream and the horror starts to lessen?

It's like that except you wake up and it isn't a dream it's real and you are already awake and you can't believe what you are living through and it won't go away and there is no escape and God has surely abandoned you and there is no hope at all. And the only escape is to die to get away from it but you can't, you just can't do that either. And so you go on being tortured.

You can't bear it and you can't escape. You writhe in the floor and beg for mercy or help or a moment of surcease and it doesn't come. You try to get hold of yourself because there is nothing left to do. You stare at the TV and for 5 minutes forget and then it tugs at your shirt again and you are back in yourself and it starts all over again.

The endless cycling in your mind over meds and possible combinations but there is some reason none of them is acceptable or tolerable or effective and you look at your calendar desperately, thinking maybe I was better on Cymbalta/Effexor/imipramine/whatever, maybe I could go back on that and then there it is on the calendar "horrible day, terror, very depressed." so you know that drug didn't work and you lose hope all over again.

And you pray, thinking that God will surely hear you this time. After all, you have been doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing, eating properly, going to the gym, taking your meds, not abusing any substances, cutting out caffeine, praying earnestly and helping others and you are so sure that this time, God must hear you and give you some peace or at least acceptance of your situation. And you get up off your knees and go in the bathroom and close the door in despair and weep because you feel exactly the same.

That's kind of what it's like.

I'm sorry to vent so much. It's just that there are so many people in the world who don't know what depression means. Here I know people know what it means and I feel *heard*.

Thank you.
Marsha


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Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:4WD thread:561463
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20051003/msgs/562966.html