Posted by kerria on August 21, 2005, at 3:04:45
In reply to Re: To Kerria » ed_uk, posted by ed_uk on August 20, 2005, at 16:15:36
before i was so rudely diagnosed at school it was thought that i had schizoprenia. i had times when everything became too difficult and i was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. There they tried things like
trilifon- i couldn't take because it made me feel bad- like a zombie with a bad sunburn.
i remember trying haldol, melliril. stelazine and feeling so badly on them. Like a zombie and sedated/ in a fog/ sick. i'd usually get better and they would let me go home and i never took any medication for longer than a few weeks because it had too many side effects- made me feel too weird and too sick.
once in a private hospital in RI about ten years ago i was having a very bad setback and the drs were determined to find some med to make me better. First they tried stelazine and i hated being on it so much. i remember refusing to take it and doing everything - even hiding under a bed - to avoid it. They forced an injection. i think they were doing med trials with Brown University because students kept coming in to ask me how i felt on the medication and i would become so so upset telling them how much i didn't want to take it. Butler Hospital- a horrible place for me then.
Stelazine didn't help any of my sx.
Then they tried Lithium. Lots of it. There were so many blood tests (i hate needles) to get up to the level. Lithium made me so sick- i literally spent mostly all the time that two weeks in the bathroom- it was coming out both ends- i thought i was going to die because i was so sick. They kept increasing the dose- because there was never enough in my blood (Dah).When i went under 95 lbs they finally stopped.
Then they said they would begin ECT and i was terrified that i did everything i could to remember how to 'act normal' - i didn't know i had DID then, i guess i just thought of a part that acted normal - and i was better and they let me go. i went into remission of sx for more than five years with no meds or therapy at all.
Private hospitals are way more dangerous in the US than public because they can force meds and literally do anything to you against your will - public hospitals would never get away with all of that.
Prozac i had for major depression. i took it for three months and it worked. at first i felt a strange tingling in my head but made me feel like i could do anything. It was fun to take, gave so much energy that i felt like a superhero.
i went to a strong church that had a way to think and act about everything, believed medicine was wrong. - my past was gone so i was healed- until one day an event- a bad meeting with them - the pastors betrayed who God is and i left that church that day, completely lost mentally. i didn't even know where i lived, where my house was. We had moved to another state and when i left living in the church alter there wasn't anything- complete identity breakdown. i was going to college also then and sx of DID surfaced bigtime and a teacher there told me i had DID.
Since drs have known i have DID i tried zyprexa- just one dose- i didn't like the feeling in my head and it's terrifying to have anything else change when i'm switching so much. i didn't give it a good try but i didn't like it.
and remeron- gave me a migraine. i only took two doses.
Risperdal- lost vision for over an hour forty min after i took it and then had a bad migraine.
Seroquel- wasn't as bad a headache as risperdal but constant headache and sedating.
Depakote- i was able to stay on for a few months because it didn't seem to do anything bad or good to moods except make me unsteady when hiking and take away energy.
Paxil made moods change too fast that i was so destablizing. For an hour i felt like i could run a marathon then was so exausted that i couldn't stand up and it went on all day. i think it affected each part in a different way.
my psyDr wanted me to try Klonopin because he had success in giving it to persons with DID. It prevented switching- i wasn't able to take it because i need to switch to function. i went to work and the work person didn't come. it was terrible- i didn't know where anything was or what to do.
my parts weren't free to come, i just stayed the same 'nothing.'
Diazapam is what i take now. Not everyday - it's too sedating with the pain meds but it doesn't interfere with my parts and calms me down for therapy or hard times. Lately it makes me feel so depressed.
i've been through so many hard things with trying meds- i didn't realize. i should take diazapam to sleep because i can never get a good night's sleep. it's 4am.
Pain and morphine keeps me awake.