Posted by Racer on March 29, 2005, at 15:40:33
In reply to Re: My doctor can't help me » partlycloudy, posted by Maxime on March 29, 2005, at 14:14:26
Ugh. Not a fun place to be.
Last year, being without insurance, I was treated by an agency with a county contract, and had no control over the doctor I saw. (The county policy, by the way, PUBLISHED and everything, said that you could always change your provider within their contracted agency. Too bad the providers apparently couldn't read...) I went through hell. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I want you to know that you're not alone, and there is hope.
You know, I heard that a lot last year, and it always felt so condescending when I did. I don't mean it as in "there's always hope, after all -- tomorrow is another day!" I mean that as in "I lived through utter hell last year, I thought that nothing could ever get better, that death was the only possible way out -- and it changed for me." That sort of "there is hope."
I won't ask you to offer up a list of everything you've tried, along with their effects. Instead, I'll offer up some of what I did that helped me. Maybe some of it could be helpful for you.
First of all, I looked into what support groups were available in my area. I tried some depression focussed groups, which did not meet my needs, and found a great ED group which is close to my salvation. It's great, and I love it -- the one place I feel able to relax and be honest. No matter how ashamed I am of my feelings or behaviors, there's always at least one other person saying, "Hey! Me too!" Usually everyone in the group says it. It feels so very, very comforting to be there. (Although getting there the first time was hellishly hard.)
Also, I did a fair amount of research online about eating disorders and how they affect depression treatment. For example, SSRIs don't work in anorexics, because we are too deficient in serotonin until we've acheived nutritional rehabilitation. Certain anxiolytics might be helpful, but only at weird doses. That sort of information is there, if you dig for it. What would have made it a hell of a lot easier for me, when I was doing this research, would have been getting down to our local medical library. In my area, there's the Planetree Library, which is free, non-profit, and provides access to about a gazillion different medical journals. They have a lot of them in a searchable database, so that you don't have to wade through six foot high stacks of magazines. At the time, though, I was too anxious to leave the house. Sucked. The research I did do helped a lot, though.
There are also some good websites about how eating disorders can affect mental health treatment. Some have great bulletin boards, which helped me a lot. Just having a place to vent when life was at its worst was so helpful. (I also did a lot of venting here. Thankfully, the Psycho Babblers -- and wouldn't that be a great name for a rock band? -- are a great group of very, very patient and tolerant people.)
Listen, Maxime, I know that you're talking about treating your depression, and I'm talking about eating disorders. It's not that I'm not listening to you, and it's not that I'm not able to hear you. It's just that I know that the eating disorder and the depression are symbiots, and that one affects the other, no matter what else is going on. You can't separate one from the other any more than you can treat the blood pressure in your thumb without affecting the blood pressure in your elbow. They are too deeply integrated. Even if you do not believe that now, please believe that I am saying it -- not for your own good, but simply because I do care and because I wish I could help in some way to ease your suffering.
My final suggestion is this: look into finding some little thing you can do, without too much trouble, that feels good to you. When you need a break from life, use that feel good thing, whatever it is. For me, at different times, it might be curling up in a quilt on the sofa for a nap -- usually with at least one cat -- or reading a book, or knitting, or sometimes just sitting on my balcony, with a cigarette and a catalog full of pictures of things I can't afford. (NOT clothing catalogs, though...)
My very best wishes for an improving outlook for you, Maxime, and if you want some of the articles I've found helpful for me, feel free to babblemail me -- I promise I'm not any other babbler in disguise ;-P
poster:Racer
thread:477221
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050326/msgs/477290.html