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Re: it really hurts bad to be me. mmcconathy

Posted by gardenergirl on March 22, 2005, at 0:08:12

In reply to it really hurts bad to be me., posted by mmcconathy on March 21, 2005, at 23:44:15

I can tell from your posts how bad things feel to you. It sounds like an incredibly confusing and scary time. I wish you had more support in person, but I'm glad you have support here.

> I am superficial, i am not a person, i think this is not real.

You are a person, but you are in development. And you have some problems with your brain chemistry that make reality fuzzy for you at times. That would be difficult for anyone to cope with, but especially for a young person who is doing what he is supposed to be doing...figuring out who he is.
> Full of confidence, then a mental psychosis of panic, what is to come, i have made myself this.

I don't believe you have made this. I just don't. I think it's a combination of brain chemistry and your experiences in your environment.
> No one likes me, i have an unstable, it hurts to not relate to others..... I put up confident fronts to cover for my deficits, you know i really am low, struggling, lost, i dont want to look at reality.

I know you are struggling, and I know it hurts. You've always sounded very alone in your struggle. I'm so sorry for that. But matt, people here do like you and care about you. The opposite of caring about someone is indifference. If they didn't care about you, you would just be ignored. No one would ever respond to your posts if they didn't feel anything for you at all.

> I ask about medication all the time because im looking for something, something that will stable me, everything i do is oppressive, i dont mean to, it is my personality.

I know you are searching. I sincerely hope you find a solution soon.
> I want to get out but, but the way out is not the way i want out, going to a hospital, crazy! coo coo! goes on my record!

I know that idea is frightening. There is such a stigma in our country about mental illness. But here on the boards, that stigma is not there. Lots of folks here on Babble have been in the hospital and they can tell you what it's like. It may or may not be the best thing for you. That is a choice between you and your pdoc.
> Asking for advice is useless, because i cannot apply it with this situation, but this frustrates and annoys people but they dont understand i listen, i do! but i think they think i blow them off.

I think that perhaps some do forget that as a minor, you are not always in control of your healthcare decisions. And that's frustrating for us, because we want you to be able to get the best care. I'm glad you will be turning 18 soon.
> Listen im sorry if i have frustrated you, my frutration is contagious, everone wants away from me.

Now here I think you are doing something called projection. You may have heard of this psychology term. It's a defense mechanism people use when there is a feeling they have about themselves that is not one they like having, so the "project" that feeling onto others. The problem is, by putting that feeling onto others, it then reinforces your belief about yourself. So if you feel that you are not worth being around, that does not feel good inside. So you "project" that feeling/belief outward onto the other person...kind of like blaming them. Instead, you say "THEY don't want to be around me." That way, it takes the feeling out of you, but it reinforces to you that you are someone others don't want to be around. Does that make any sense? (I hope so, it's late here)

Bottom line is, I think when you say things like that about others rejecting you, it might be because you feel that way about yourself rather than others feeling that way about you.
> Well i have got to go, im sorry if you feel repellled, its natuaral to me.

Matt, I don't feel repelled by you. I feel like drawing you in and wishing I had a magic wand to help you.

Take care,





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poster:gardenergirl thread:473855