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Re: For rainy rainy

Posted by headachequeen on November 12, 2004, at 16:03:08

In reply to Re: For rainy merry, posted by rainy on November 11, 2004, at 20:46:59

> Bless you, merry. They think I'm manic because I'm doing a lot of stuff. LikE organizing a small out of class study group for my spanish class. Facilitating a small group (clumsily I'm afraid) in my church. joining a committee in another church as well as one in my own. considering voluntering in planned parenthood, calling people in the group up and appropriately talking with them--things that are out of character for me.
> At the same time, especially since starting provigil (and the Bush election didn't help), I've been flat out dark depressed, fleetingly suicidal, like black birds flying through my head, tearful, that bit. Obsessing about stuff and unable to shut up my chatterbox mind. Not racing thoughts, just chatter. Feeling like I'm on speed. I told my pdoc about all of this in detail yesterday.
> I don't think the Topamax is working with mood stabilization. It's expensive even with insurance and we don't have a lot of money. If the insurance won't pay, I may be forced to stop it. I'm not going to stop antidepressants like wellbutrin and deseryl which I'm on now, but I'm not going on another mood stabilizer that will cause weight gain or, get this, hair loss. Does zonogram(?) do either? Our culture has done a good job.
> Thanks for being a worrywort. I was thinking as I read your prior post how nice you sound.
> rainy


Oh, Rainy... this is not manic according to my good psychiatrist and I cannot remember the term she used for it...
rats... why does my memory fail me at these times...
this is a creative thing ...
and it is one of those things that goes with the so-called creative temperament....

so do the darker moods I am afraid...but not the black suicidal things... those we do not want...
when the creative highs reach completion...
then the lows appear...
we achieve the creation of the new group or whatever it is we need to achieve and then we feel this huge emptiness...
and boum! there is a low...
it is what I live with all the time...
when I am on a creative surge I simply go and go and go, then I crash and burn until the next creative thing...
sometimes I am juggling several projects at once and have to hope they do not all reach completion at once or it is really bleak inside me...
there is a name for this...
and I do not remember it... and I am so angry with myself for forgetting it...
angry with me a lot lately...

do not allow the really blackness in though...
start something new... it does not have to be as deep and demanding as the other projects...
you are a creative and self-demanding person...
and maybe not bi-polar or manic at all...

and maybe redhead after all <G>

when you hit those black patches babblemail me... and we can talk as soon as my computer and I are speaking with each other... we keep getting power failures lately for some reason...
none of this suicide stuff...
you have too much to do yet and too much to offer...
you are such a special person...
let's channel that creativity and avoid the black holes...
you know where to find me...
you have beem here for me through all this chaos and that is so typical of your personality type... you need to be up and flying...
so soar...
kat


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poster:headachequeen thread:5053
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041108/msgs/415118.html