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Re: Thanks all - I'm done. verne

Posted by iris2 on September 6, 2004, at 10:04:31

In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. iris2, posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:03:36

> Don't feel alone. I haven't worked in over 15 years except for an early morning paper route a few years ago. I don't drive either.

I am sorry to hear this. I hope you find your life easier to live than I have. Some people do not stay constructively active yet are able to either be "happy" doing little or have other interests and are able to motivate themselves.

> I, too, have atypical depression and bpd. I somehow grew out of self-injuring which is one positive aspect of aging. Borderliners tend to mellow with age.

I think that age has also mellowed me so that I never self-injure anymore.

> I've been hospitalized numerous times but not since 1992 when they had run out of options and scheduled me for ECT. I left AMA the night before.

I have been hospitalized many times. Mostly after suicide attempts. Not been in the hospital for about three years. About five years ago I was in and out of the hospital several times a year.

What made you decide against ECT.?

> I know the kind of isolation you are in. About 2 years ago I didn't leave my house for almost a year. I didn't even go into the yard. I did all my grocery shopping online which got to be a little tricky. I had alienated just about everybody (bpd anger) but the UPS driver and ran out of friends.

That sounds just like me. I am generally only angry at a close friend or family. Everyone else I am just HURT by. Sometimes things are so bad my family comes over just to take me grocery shopping.

> Then in November 2003, I bought a bunch of full spectrum lighting online, and I kid you not, was out walking within 2 weeks. I had heard it helped with depression so I installed it in a couple rooms and added a "light box" to my living room lighting scheme (probably not necessary and quite expensive).

I told you I have the light box. It is kind of a pain to use. It has become obvious that there is a seasonal component to my depression. For many years a month to two after the summer was over is always when I attempted suicide and was in the hospital.
Anyway where did you buy the full spectrum lighting online? Did you buy bulbs as I have seen or lights themselves? What was the cost?

> The full spectrum lighting helped me get my foot in the door (or out the door). I started meditating, walking, and even made up with two estranged friends. I found someone who would pick me up and take me to the park for walks too. I also lost some weight.

I find that if I can find someone who will do things with me I can more easily motivate myself to do them. Alone is almost impossible right now. Is this your experience?
I omitted much of a response last time. Please forgive me. I was very tired. I am very happy for you that this is working. When I tried my light box many years ago I did not see much difference but I do not think I tried it long enough to know. I was also going through a big change in my household in which I went from living alone to cohabitating with a sociopath so I think it would have been difficult to see any change with the light box at the time.
> There are some other things I did that probably should be left to the faith board. I'm still struggling but I have more hope than I had a couple years ago. I still hardly go out but that's mostly due to some recent problems with "self medicating" (alcohol).

I have gone through several periods of time self medicating with alcohol. Please try to stop. It is such a depressant and if you are trying to feel better with different meds or lighting or other things you will not be able to measure any positive changes as the alcohol will obscure them. If you cannot stop for any length of time on your own see if you can go into a rehab for a few weeks and then stay on the program after. Even if you do not believe in all the stuff, it helps. I went about 15 years ago for cocaine addiction, but I also had alcohol problems. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I had started Parnate and it was like a miracle drug for me but until I stopped the drugs I was not functioning with it. I never did cocaine again. I drink every now and again. It never was a big problem for me but when I see myself drinking several times a week and almost always alone I stop for several months usually. Now I drink an occasional glass of wine or something in company with others. I do not partake much anymore because my stomach is so bad from bulimia and oxycontin.

Please, please stop the drinking. Not just from personal experience but also from observing others especially when I worked as a staff member in a psychosocial rehab. You will have so much more potential to be happy and for meds to work. I will check other boards for you to see what others have done to intervene drinking behaviors.
> Have you looked into the "Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder" book by Marsha M. Linehan? It's not easy to read but some sections are great - especially the handouts. There are year-long courses based on this book - even online - but I've felt to vulnerable to participate. Some of the exercises in this book are great.
I will look at this book today. I have a couple self-help books that I need to finish reading now. It is rare anymore that I would have any.

Why do you feel too vulnerable to take an online course? No one will know you. Is it knowing yourself that makes you feel this way?

Thank you for all the wonderful information and especially for sharing and making me feel not so alone. Take better care of yourself,


p.s. Since we both spend a lot of time in home perhaps you will want to email back and forth, not just on this board. I find it is like making a new friend but easier to share for some reason. My email is

Do not worry if you are not so inclined. I will not take it personally.




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