Posted by bounceabout on March 22, 2004, at 23:17:53
Well, after a dozen doctors, several meds, 3 diagnoses (depressive disorder, disthymia, cyclothymia) and 20 years of problems, I've been diagnosed Bipolar II with Rapid Cycling, ADD and mild OCD. (Personally, I think the ADD and OCD come part and parcel with BPII, but I'm no expert.)
What bugs me quite a bit is that I had to do my own research, build my own symptom list, work my own history... basically diagnose myself before it became clear to a professional that this was the case. Subsequent work with psychiatrists and therapists finally confirmed this self-diagnosis. And all of the anti-depressant controversy can bugger off for all I care - I had my first manic episode only AFTER I went on ADs for disthymia. Since then, I've "kindled" into rapid cycling (ultra, actually). My only ray of hope is the articles I've read stating that rapid cycling tends to go away after a couple of years or so.
I'm about to start Depakote and it scares the hell out of me. It's relatively new, side effects abound (though they seem rare) and it's my first "mood stabilizer". I'm wondering what will become of my personality, as erratic as it is, when I become stable - will I miss me? I hated AD's so I don't know what to expect. Being off meds certainly hasn't been the answer. I've started CBT and that should help...
Now I have to tell my family - doing so will cause numerous problems that I simply can't avoid. The last thing I need right now is all of that new stress. I've already alienated all of my extended family through my bipolar behavior, now I have to put my immediate family "to the test". Sure hope they pass...
I told my therapist today that I want to take a year off (nothing new, I've had 6 jobs in 3 years) to just work on my therapy, manage my meds (trial and error) and maybe take a few college classes. She never actually responded with her opinion - maybe she's not supposed to. There's another problem - I think she's too attractive to be my therapist. She seems to be on the right track, but she's distracting on another level. Fear of rejection keeps me from bringing it up, though. Not a fear that she'll not feel attracted toward me (I know that's something that simply shouldn't be explored), but a fear that she'll refuse to be my therapist anymore. It took a lot for me to open up to her and I'm lucky I found her - I don't want to start that whole process over.
So now I have lawsuits to contend with (broken leases and contracts because I wanted a "change of scenery" one day), family to to deal with, shame to carry and a completely unforseeable future. But I have to believe that it's for the greater good in the long run.
Sorry if I'm posting to the wrong place - just needed to spill for a few minutes. I guess it's all just hitting me. I will say, though, that reading the experiences of others on this site (and others) has helped tremendously. It's good to not be as alone as I sometimes think I am.
"Good day, Seattle, and good mental health..."
poster:bounceabout
thread:327238
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040319/msgs/327238.html