Posted by adam canada on March 11, 2004, at 2:34:14
it is strange but recently i had such a horrific depression come in all over again and real hot pains in my head that were too horrendous to bare. i took ativan and paxil together for maybe almost 2 years. and it usually never got so bad to the point where i lost all functioning and it would be a chore to even do simple things like wash your hair. i had no motivation to hardly even eat and the pains were the biggest.
so something drastic had to be done before i ended up in the hospital and the ideal of suicide seemed like a possibility yet stubborn me would try to think that could never happen.
anyway i ended up quitting the ativan! all together. and to my relief... which was last saturday... evening... things got better! i took my last dose of ativan that was a super tiny piece. less than 1/3 or maybe 1/3 of 0.5mg that early morning cause i couldnt sleep from trying to get off it the day before.
anyway in afternoon it hit me harder again but i was already doing so dreadfully bad... then evening came and i was able to watch a movie. and be able to sit through it and even want to see it til the end. the tiniest bit of enjoyment could be felt. and i wasnt hopeful yet. but next day... i dont even remember but it's all written down... i was better! and i continued to get better! and in 2 days perhaps i was a new person! and i kind of still am except for some erason today is not as good. but yesterday was okay! iw as able to be excited about things!
FOR ONCE in a damn long time i felt excited! about getting a digital cam and there were some other things that i cannot recall. i was gonna make a future website and post photos etc... it felt nice! not normal healthy but it was something. it was deffinetly something.
so it seems clear the ativan was just not doing something right. as the hot pains would go away! not completely but mostly! now they are very barable! hard to notice at times.
when i first got off the ativan though and still now... my vision is darker though. really. stuff looks BLACK. and when i was in a store... saturday evening... ya... it was so dark. no matter how much light is around... everything looks dark.
but my major depression and anxiety were all caused by accutane anyway. and accutane is known to effect vision. night vision... color etc. so that could be that. but i dunno why my vision gets darker from quitting ativan.also when i first got off ativan but not anymore... perhaps withdrawl.. i had huge fears. huge fears which i guess is anxiety. about speaking with people. leaving the bed. it was strange and the dark vision would freak me out! now my vision is still dark but not as dark.
it has really been relieving the past 3 days. to be able to live without such HARSH pains in my head and to have some motivation to do the more simple things in life!!
also i have social anxiety which can be pretty bad sometimes but paxil helped for that a bit. this is what i always had before accutane messed me up.
anyway now i am just looking for something extra. i noticed i am not myself since the whole worsening situation and quitting ativan. both those things. and i seem less fearful on the phone speaking with people. but also i may have a lesser desire to speak to my best friend.
also my memory has improved! from quitting ativan! GOD did that mess up my memory. can anyone relate? i would talk on the phone and then what the hell... what was i just talkin about?? memory lapses would occur! not anymore! instead i just have my regular bad short term memory that isnt as bad. which i got from ECT in the past.
this evening has been worse for some reason. i dont know why. but i was able to sleep last night!
which is different since after quitting ativan it has been hard to sleep! like some thoughts just come to me while trying to sleep. yesterday i was able to for some reason.
it is quite the turnaround since when the worsening occured back then... i would sleep SO MUCH! i would always want to sleep and have no motivation for anything and i would be a ghoul. then i drop ativan and boom hard to sleep. very hard. enough to be concerned over.
i take 10mg paxil by the way. but i increased the dose to 11.5mg for the past 8-9 days. maybe this is what is getting to me today. but anyway 20mg a long time ago made me into a sleeping zombie. maybe safe to stay on 10mg. might as well.
but i know i am not well as others are. i still have motivational problems almost all the time but it's just not nearly as bad as when i was on ativan which made me worse. but i want an improvement.
i been through more than a dozen medications. well over. and the only thing to trully have given me a life back or close to was dexedrine and ritalin. mostly dexedrine though.
so i hope when i see a doctor i can get this prescribed. i want to live again and feel the normal joys other people do.
when i was on it i actually felt like doing things. normal things! going to parties... seeing people... getting outside! it was wonderful to feel so normal. on dexedrine i was able to do some writting. something i love but cannot do professionally.
so i was wondering what on the market is similar to dexedrine? ritalin made me lose too much weight and didnt have as much an effect. and adrafinil seemed to work one evening then nope. and may have made me worse in some aspects.
so what options are there out there?
and what do u think about what has been happening to me? also i got a big ringing in my right ear an hour ago.. dunno if that relates to anything. lasted for 10 seconds.
im glad to be alive and i hope tommorow is better than this evening where i am doing worse.
poster:adam canada
thread:323151
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040308/msgs/323151.html