Posted by geeper16 on February 26, 2004, at 23:07:35
I just found this forum and I figured this would be the right place to express myself and my thoughts. Im 17 years old Ive always felt like there was something not right about the way i always feel. This feeling was not depression as a child but it was just of general social anxiety and very bad sensitivity to peoples comments and gestures as well as being a little insecure. At around 5 years old my dad tried to put me in baseball and the coach told me to move to the left a little when i was batting. This devastated me and i ran back crying to my parents car. This is one example of my lifelong emotional sensitivity. Of course I am no longer like that but even little things will bother me inside even though i know what is being said or gestured is not meant as a repremand or to hurt me. This thinking has led me never to persue school, sports, etc. Eventually I did go through a very bad depression as my home life got worse and worse from the circumstances that i created myself. Not shwoing up to classes, not finishing what i start, acting careless, slept all the time, etc, etc. Of course I am diagnosed with ADD and i am put on adderall. My condition improved as far as work, but I experienced a very strong high and a very bad crash at the end of the day. Along with the high's and lows it made my sensitivity to people even worse and it gave me extreme anxiety to the point where I couldnt even bare to walk into my school because of the fear of having a panic attack. All of this made my home life even worse because of the misunderstanding my parents have of me, thinking I am just careless and dont want to goto school. Yelling and screaming and my father constantly putting me down for not doing what I shuould have been doing threw me into a very bad depression where all i felt was guilt, pain, anxiety, and general emotional instability all day everyday to the point where i had to have homeschooling and counseling. I have alot of friends but when i was with them they would hae no idea what was going on because I would always act differently from what i felt. Although I am very self consious and always thinking to much. Ive never had any real longterm goals or asspirations. Well eventually after over 6 months of complete hell my depression subsided and I was doing a little better as far as being able to goto school. I got a job, i was alot more on the right track. But i still had general dysphoria and not alot of self esteem. Oneday I came across this little white pill, VICODIN. From the moment I tried it, I fell in love with it. I actually felt normal, like myself. My sensitivity to people was gone, it makes me extremely social. I was no longer lethargic, i get energy rather then loose energy from opiates as other people say it makes them tired. It makes me motivated, I can actually concentrate better and focus on things that are important rather then my foolish insecurities. Life just became better. I looked foward to work, school, anything as long as I had my vicodin. Now ive read that there are people that have endorphin deficiencies but i havnt read what exactly the symptoms of an endorphin deficiency are. I know that there are people who try vicodin, but why did I fall in love with vicodin the first time i tried it, why did it make me feel like myself and it makes other people feel like their drugged or wierd?. Im only guessing that I have a deficiency, but thats for you guys to guess and thats why Im writing this now. I have been on every antidepressent there is and all they have done for me is make me feel even more wierd and it made my thoughts even more out of the ordinary. Well to get back to my Vicodin, Its safe to say that I am pretty addicted, not surprisingly. I have just started attending a drug rehab center with counseling and I want to bring up my findings of Methadone for depression. I have tried Methadone before at 10mg and its a much cleaner and longer lasting feeling than vicodin gives me, although it gives me the same positive outlook. Im really considering bringing this up to my counselor and doctor but I am not sure if I want to become addicted to a drug thats more addictive than heroin. All I know is that even before my addiction with vicodin and even if the addiction does end, I wont feel right, Ill be back to my old depressed self, acheiving nothing and doing nothing. I am so amazingly emotionaly stable on opiates its a little scary. If I dont have a supply for the day which really only has to be as little as 3 10mg pills taken throughout the day at minimum I go back to my old unhappy self with withdrawals to top it off But now even with a good supply I try to limit myself as much as possible. I really cant go a day without Vicodin and I dont want to be dependant on this drug but at the same time I know if i stop it its gona make things better and not worse. Ive been taking vicodin everyday for almost a year. I am 100% positive that a daily dose even once a day of 10mg Methadone would be exactly what I need. Not only emotionaly but moneywise as well. Please post comments and suggestions, I need advice and information on opiate based antidepressants or antidepressant application. Im very happy I found this forum. This is just a rough draft of what i feel and its not edited so please excuse my grammar and write back. :-)
-Steve
poster:geeper16
thread:318084
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040223/msgs/318084.html